Guardians of my inner child,
Today, someone tried to turn people against me by calling me an apostate in the midst of an argument.
Before I could muster a response, a dozen voices, including those of his friends and allies, rose to defend me and condemn him for crossing the line.
I didn't have to do anything at all to ensure my triumph except stand there and hold back my tears.
My mind drifted back to the 90s, to a time when I had no one, when no one came to our aid, when you, Sirin, were taken away.
Back then, the crushing weight of isolation, fear, and betrayal was unbearable. The agony of feeling forgotten and disposable carved itself deep into my soul, leading me to dehumanize myself and others in my despair. I hated me so much for having no power as a child, and I hated the world for its failure to care.
And then, I met you, one by one. Your love, your faces, your voices, your comforting presence all became my shield, my sanctuary, even when many of you could no longer be with me physically. Losing you too, save for Daren who is still by my side, created a void that seemed impossible to fill, a helplessness that mirrored the depth of my rage toward this world's shallowness, selfishness, and absurdity.
Over the years, I have worked tirelessly to process and release all my past grudges pulling me towards indifference, I still do, because I strive to project the kindness and strength you embody, to support others even when they refuse to reciprocate, even when trust seems like a weakness. And of course time and again, my mistrust was/is validated...and again through it all, your memories and love remain in all my intentions.
I shed these tears now for the pain of the past, for everything I have endured alone as a result of indifference, for my struggles against myself and its resulting darkness, for the profound gratitude of having you all in my life.
Most of all, these tears are for the fact that you do not die. You live on through the best actions of those who cross my path, those I give your love to, the actions of those who stood up today to guard me just like you have. I am without a doubt blessed and loved and surrounded by many, from all walks of life, who would do anything for me, and I for them. I never sought to win loyalty or asked for help. The true chose my side of their own volition.
I will always carry your strength with me. I will always carry the knowledge that even those of you who passed away do not merely watch over me from above, my eternal guardians, you are all by my side, never gone, molding who I am as a person, and the lives and the choices of those around me, through me. And I am always loved and I will always love you too.
Before I could muster a response, a dozen voices, including those of his friends and allies, rose to defend me and condemn him for crossing the line.
I didn't have to do anything at all to ensure my triumph except stand there and hold back my tears.
My mind drifted back to the 90s, to a time when I had no one, when no one came to our aid, when you, Sirin, were taken away.
Back then, the crushing weight of isolation, fear, and betrayal was unbearable. The agony of feeling forgotten and disposable carved itself deep into my soul, leading me to dehumanize myself and others in my despair. I hated me so much for having no power as a child, and I hated the world for its failure to care.
And then, I met you, one by one. Your love, your faces, your voices, your comforting presence all became my shield, my sanctuary, even when many of you could no longer be with me physically. Losing you too, save for Daren who is still by my side, created a void that seemed impossible to fill, a helplessness that mirrored the depth of my rage toward this world's shallowness, selfishness, and absurdity.
Over the years, I have worked tirelessly to process and release all my past grudges pulling me towards indifference, I still do, because I strive to project the kindness and strength you embody, to support others even when they refuse to reciprocate, even when trust seems like a weakness. And of course time and again, my mistrust was/is validated...and again through it all, your memories and love remain in all my intentions.
I shed these tears now for the pain of the past, for everything I have endured alone as a result of indifference, for my struggles against myself and its resulting darkness, for the profound gratitude of having you all in my life.
Most of all, these tears are for the fact that you do not die. You live on through the best actions of those who cross my path, those I give your love to, the actions of those who stood up today to guard me just like you have. I am without a doubt blessed and loved and surrounded by many, from all walks of life, who would do anything for me, and I for them. I never sought to win loyalty or asked for help. The true chose my side of their own volition.
I will always carry your strength with me. I will always carry the knowledge that even those of you who passed away do not merely watch over me from above, my eternal guardians, you are all by my side, never gone, molding who I am as a person, and the lives and the choices of those around me, through me. And I am always loved and I will always love you too.
