@graphite In the beginning of our relationship, I was undiagnosed, untreated, and unmedicated. I would have insane bouts of mania (spent all the money in the account to the detriment of all else, doing drugs frequently, flirted with other women, and would stay up with less than 2 hours of sleep a day). To my shame, I did cheat. More than once. Because I didnt think or care about consequences, I lived totally in my id, totally in the monent. I almost died because the drug I actually took was not the drug I thought I paid for. I was a destructive force. Initially, after I had a total psychotic break, my wife said she forgave me, wanted to stay married, and loved me in spite of myself. I wish that we wouldve gone to actual marriage counseling and therapy together instead of just me getting therapy. She woke up one day and it was too much. She started to go to therapy in November 2020. She decided she didnt want to be married to me anymore and dropped the bomb on me in May 2021. Ive been in Florida ever since 5.28.21
If I had it to do all over, I would seek professional help sooner, not hit drugs so hard and often, not cheat, and love her as she deserves. I cant change the past, but I can make better choices now to ensure I dont repeat history.