Economic update: Trump’s bid for my vote in November is $5,000. Democrats, do I hear $5,500 . .. ?

Photo above - Hello? Weikert Ford? Do you have this color Bronco with the surf fishing package available? Yes? I have $5,000 to put down . . .

What a great time to be an American! My vote is worth $5,000. I never realized this was legal. Or I at least expected vote buying to turn up first in a presidential election year, not the mid-terms. Trump will pay me $5,000. Democrats – the bid’s to you . . .

I should be more troubled by the immorality of this than I actually am. But to be honest, who WOULDN’T want an extra $5,000 bucks right now? I could use it as a down payment for a new car. I lost out on the $7,500 tax refund to buy one of Elon Musk’s Tesla EVs. As an apartment dweller, I had no place to plug it in. It’s also why I failed to score thousands for rooftop solar panels. My best shot at saving the planet from climate change appears to be LED bulbs. Remember when the government promised us that if we bought enough LEDs, then America would never need to build another new electric plant in our lifetimes? (This was possibly an AI hallucination, or a lie.)

How much will $5,000 for each adult citizen cost the US Treasury? There are 205 million of us, but of course only 60% of citizens actually vote. No matter . . . if Trump “wins” we will each get $5,000, even if we stayed home on election day to play the soon to be released Grand Theft Auto VI (available for both PS5 and Xbox).

I imagine quite a bit of the $5,000 windfall will be spent on Fanduel, DraftKings, and Kalshi. What are the odds that 205 million people times $5,000 ($1 trillion, more or less) triggers a fed interest rate increase, which strangles the homeownership dreams of millions? What are the odds we’re still at war with Iran on election day? That gas prices will be $2 bucks a gallon higher? Visit Kalshi and make your wager, I guess.

I always seem to be on the wrong side of these economic debates. I don’t believe the government should bribe me – for votes, cars, windmills, or whatever – with my own tax money. I don’t believe that mobile betting does anything other than taking food money off the table of morons struggling to live paycheck to paycheck. I don’t believe that America’s dysfunctional court system – in my lifetime - will be able to resolve import legal questions such as vote buying, financial responsibility for AI looting all our bank accounts, or whether we can gun down corporate CEOs on the sidewalk with impunity.

Full disclosure – if I actually DO get a $5,000 bribe to vote, I plan on making a down payment on a 2027 Ford Bronco Raptor with the 400-horsepower twin turbocharged engine and 37-inch tires. There’s no way to save the planet. We already proved that with those Tesla bribes. I just want to spend my final days surf casting for pompano and redfish off Pensacola beach, and sauteing them in the evening with garlic butter, cilantro, and lime. This will likely provide better memories than mobile sports betting.


I’m just sayin’ . . .