Nation’s Murderers Excited To Learn Killing Legal If You Say You Were Sad
Millions of murderers across the country expressed overwhelming optimism today following reports that killing someone is effectively legal, provided the perpetrator informs authorities they were sad.
According to legal experts, centuries of criminal precedent had been rendered obsolete by the simple, groundbreaking defense of "feeling a little overwhelmed."
"For years, we operated under the outdated assumption that taking a human life required accountability," defense attorney Arnold Carter explained. "We now understand that as long as you mention feeling sad beforehand, the entire legal system immediately pivots to asking if you've been getting enough self-care."
Hitman Frank Rizzoli noted that he planned to appeal his life sentence immediately on the grounds that his victims made him feel severely burnt out. "I didn't realize I could just say I was a little down that day and walk away clean."
"Looking back, I wasn't cold-blooded; I was just suffering from a profound lack of support from those around me," Rizzoli commented. "If I had known all I needed was a prescription note and some sympathetic press, I would have skipped the whole fleeing-the-country phase."
At publishing time, state prosecutors were reportedly dropping all pending murder indictments to instead issue court-ordered lavender tea and mandatory bubble baths.
According to legal experts, centuries of criminal precedent had been rendered obsolete by the simple, groundbreaking defense of "feeling a little overwhelmed."
"For years, we operated under the outdated assumption that taking a human life required accountability," defense attorney Arnold Carter explained. "We now understand that as long as you mention feeling sad beforehand, the entire legal system immediately pivots to asking if you've been getting enough self-care."
Hitman Frank Rizzoli noted that he planned to appeal his life sentence immediately on the grounds that his victims made him feel severely burnt out. "I didn't realize I could just say I was a little down that day and walk away clean."
"Looking back, I wasn't cold-blooded; I was just suffering from a profound lack of support from those around me," Rizzoli commented. "If I had known all I needed was a prescription note and some sympathetic press, I would have skipped the whole fleeing-the-country phase."
At publishing time, state prosecutors were reportedly dropping all pending murder indictments to instead issue court-ordered lavender tea and mandatory bubble baths.
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