Ayatollah To Give Speech As Soon As Officials Find The Rest Of His Body

Iranian officials have promised that Ayatollah Khamenei will give a speech just as soon as they have located the rest of his body.

The Iranian government has said it will prove that the strikes on Iran have been a complete failure by showing Khamenei alive and well. However, the speech will have to wait until they can find his legs.

"The world shall see how the cowardly attacks of America could never touch Allah's chosen one," said an Iranian official. "The Ayatollah himself will speak to his people, as soon as he has, ah, gathered himself. We are waiting only for the moment when the pieces have fallen into place, so to speak."

At publishing time, suspicions had been raised after the speech was given by Khamenei's head on a broomstick with an aide moving his jaw up and down.