Chicago Kicks Off Holiday Season By Unveiling Festive Red And Green Crime-Scene Tape

Residents of the Windy City noticed that it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas these days, as the Chicago Police Department kicked off the holiday season by unveiling festive red and green crime scene tape.

The tell-tale yuletide sign began popping up around town early this year, as the police couldn't wait until after Thanksgiving to start cordoning off scenes of horrific murders and blood-stained street corners with tape that was noticeably more decorative and Christmas-y.

"It brings a little bit of joy and childlike nostalgia to every deadly shooting," said Chicago Police Department spokesman Sergeant Ray Chapman. "People spend all year looking forward to the holidays, so it only makes sense to usher in the season with our festive Christmas-themed crime scene tape. It may read, ‘Police Line — Do Not Cross' in a literal sense, but what it really means is, ‘Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!'"

Local gang members likewise expressed warm and fuzzy feelings with each violent crime they commit. "Shooting up neighborhoods and killing people is different this time of year," said Jose Marquez, spokesgangster for the Latin Kings street gang. "When you see that Christmas crime scene tape go up, you know every bullet was like a heartfelt gift given to someone special. It's like we're Santa, and instead of Christmas cheer, we're spreading death, yo."

At publishing time, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson announced that the city would jump on the festive bandwagon by donating a new toy to Toys for Tots for every murder in the month of December.