Better without me.
At some point in having fun, I always have to realize, I'm still alone. I'm still the weird one. My words are too strong and yet I am not enough. Others only want me for entertainment value and the depths I think I'm reaching is really just the door people have pushed me through. The care I think I'm capable of is just an annoyance and people have real lives that actually matter to them.
I have no healthy balance when it comes to socializing. I don't deserve friends because PTSD has afforded too many issues that make me unstable and unsuitable.
My version of connection must make others sick.
I do care. I do want to be here for the ones I care about. But I'm just words on a screen. That's not what this place means to me, but my perception is skewed because of my solitude.
It's only good until the persona wears down and I'm just a pain in the neck. That's my cycle. Loving people, making them smile, then when I can't, when I'm exhausted, when it gets real for me, I have to go away.
And everyone is better off without me.
I have no healthy balance when it comes to socializing. I don't deserve friends because PTSD has afforded too many issues that make me unstable and unsuitable.
My version of connection must make others sick.
I do care. I do want to be here for the ones I care about. But I'm just words on a screen. That's not what this place means to me, but my perception is skewed because of my solitude.
It's only good until the persona wears down and I'm just a pain in the neck. That's my cycle. Loving people, making them smile, then when I can't, when I'm exhausted, when it gets real for me, I have to go away.
And everyone is better off without me.
