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I Am Shy

So I really want to start dating again. I have no clue as to how to accomplish this though. I am very picky and I do not like the girls I see available on online dating. Online dating doesn't really work well with me. I have always been a real life person and I'm very honest. So, consequently my dates from the internet are always pleased - because I look like my pictures, and I just took one, I didn't like choose super carefully or take a bunch of photos. I want people to be impressed when they see me, not depressed...

I have found that the girls usually don't use super current pictures and they do choose quite carefully. I have been really disappointed, but I also only tried a few times.

I have always gotten my girlfriends from acquaintances before. I always would be friends with their older sister, or I would be in the same place many times, and we would interact because of social norms.
I don't have any lines, like "are you an angel? " etc. I don't play any "games," and I think that's unappealing to many women.
I just miss signals, or I second guess them so much, it become the same as missing it. I literally have started things on many occasions by saying something like, "So, I'm really feeling like kissing you right now. That wouldn't upset you would it?
Yeah, the DEFINITION of smooth, right? Lol
Well, surprisingly enough, usually by the time I actually build up the courage to say/ask that, they give their permission. I don't know if I actually have gotten to the point of asking that AND I did receive a negative response.

I'm not saying I'm just that appealing that every girl I want to fool around with, wants to fool around with me. It's more that I'm so nervous and suspicious of misinterpreting, that by the time I get around to it, she would have left minutes ago if she DIDN'T WANT TO fool around. Any girl can likely see my interest coming, and can dodge it before I build up any courage.

I'm the opposite of shy once I get to know a person. If I know she is attracted to me and I'm attracted to her, things are very simple and they feel organic as life goes on. I like being romantic and affectionate, but not in places where it can make either of us, or others, feel awkward. I don't mind public displays of affection, but public displays of LUST is a different story.

I just see so many girls when I'm near the college (denver university )... I see many girls that I like their appearance, and I would like to spend time with them, and learn more about them, like if they have a fun personality, if they are funny, etc.
But, I NEVER do anything. It's been years now, and I will see girls, and even chat with them briefly, but I don't have the courage to ask them out. The closest I got was I gave a girl a note, with my number and a short explanation that I thought she was cute, and I'm shy, so if she wanted to text a bit, I'd be in favor of it. She never sent anything, she likely threw the number away before leaving the coffee shop.
I feel like asking a girl out is rude. If I see a girl, and think she's attractive, somehow I feel it's BAD if I mention that I'm interested or show interest. I don't even know this girl at all! Maybe she's mean or hurtful inside. I feel that showing interest is just wrong. I want to though, I just don't know how.

I suppose a lot of the trouble comes from youth. I grew up in a very rural area, and went to a very small school. Then I ended up going to a bigger school for high school, and I never felt secure. I didn't date in high school AT ALL. I believe I COULD have, even with fairly popular girls, but I never did. I am still friends with a girl from high school and so I have discussed things with her over the years. She told me that girls did like me, and I wasn't considered a loser.
I was always self conscious though, and I felt I needed to provide a reason for people to show interest in me. So I became very involved with drugs. I found that using them, provided me with a common ground, and got me into the "popular" places. The cool kids in my high school were the drug kids. I wish it was different, but that's what it was.
So I wanted to be cool, and mainly to have others think I was cool and like me. People liked people who had drugs, and so I made certain I was one of those people.
I am good at networking and that is essentially all drug dealing is, networking and the ability to weigh small amounts of things and put it into packages. It doesn't take a genius...
Anyway I very much did all of it for the social aspects of life. I was pretty good at it, since it's so easy and simple for anyone to do, and so I kept doing it for awhile. My entire youth was this situation and it continued through much of college. Although in my second college, after a couple year break of JUST DRUG DEALING, I didn't sell as often. I was very active and always "on the move" before and during my first college. At the second one I concentrated on schoolwork too, and I put school in front of drug dealing. It wasn't like that at my first college. Many times I would skip classes to go and make money. I decided that was foolish and I needed to focus on school, not what was essentially a part time job.

So all throughout my education though, I ALWAYS used drugs as a base or foundation, for getting a girl. It's not that I would trade drugs for sex, but I just would be exceedingly generous to my girlfriends and they would quickly learn it just was all free for them.
I used this to purchase the TIME I need to spend with a girl, before I have the courage to convey my feelings. I also used it to gain the time with them alone, so I didn't have to keep trying to talk over some other guy hitting on her. I don't compete like that. It immediately insults me, and I feel like if the girl isn't interested in what I have to say, let the louder guy talk to her then. She clearly is more drawn by volume and persistence, than by quality.

Logically, I understand she can't know I'm a nice or a cool guy just being seeing me. But I don't like feeling like I'm competing for attention. I'm pretty interesting, if you bother to look.

I just have been alone for years now. It's become a bit of a problem and I don't want to lose out on life.

I really just want to meet the right girl and start a family. I wouldn't want to start the family part immediately, of course because I'll also be skeptical about whether or not ANY girl will qualify as "the one."

I don't care enough about sex to chase it by itself. I had plenty of wild times when I was younger, and having some crappy one night stand isn't worth hurting some girl's feelings to me. I seem to ALWAYS either like the girl a lot (usually means she then won't like me) or I don't like the girl very much at all, beyond her appearance. Then if I don't like the girl, she will REALLY like me. Then it hurts her feelings and mine because I don't like causing pain. Or it's even worse, and she doesn't care for me, and I REALLY like her. Then she just goes on with life, and I compare myself to her dating choices. I feel like, "what is so good about him? "
I have realized that I tend to go for kinda naughty, or slutty girls. It's both because I find them attractive, and because they assist with my shyness. If a girl helps me through that initial stage of awkwardness and I learn for certain she likes me, then I feel very much at ease and things are loads of fun.
But, these girls are often mistreated during their youths. I believe many of them, unfortunately, are mistreated and that mistreatment makes them understand love in a different way.
If a girl is raped when she is young and treated poorly by her father, then, like it or not, she has learned that the treatment he is providing is "love. "
Then when I come in and attempt to add my idea of "love," it doesn't match with what they knew before, so they always feel uneasy and ruin things. Then they go off and date some idiot that is a jerk and selfish.

I just want to find my partner. I want to build life and live a great one. I want to share my knowledge and what I have. I want to earn and provide and be depended upon.

I just feel like I missed the boat. Was I supposed to be alive and dating during the 1940s instead of the 2010s?

I wish intimacy was easier.

 
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