Anxious
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Not sure what I did wrong.....

I rent out my two spare bedrooms in my home. One of my renters is an 85 year old woman and we've gotten along great for the year she's been renting a room from me. She's been like a mother to me.
Today I walked in the kitchen and she had a potato cooking in the oven and a can of pepper in her hand and she was struggling to get it open. So I walked over and said " here, you want me to help you open it?" and she started going off on me saying " I don't want to listen to you saying anything bad about my pepper! All you do is talk all the time about how bad stuff is and I don't have allergies!"
I have a lot of food intolerances and I am always dieting and she's always wanting to cook for me and I have to follow a strict diet and she doesn't understand.
So when she snapped at me about the pepper, I was very hurt because all I wanted to do was help her open it and I had not said anything negative about her pepper at all. I eat it quite often myself.
So I just looked at her and said " you're very rude!" and walked to my room. A few minutes later I went back in the kitchen and she apologized and tried to grab me and asked for a hug. Now I am NOT a hugger and I am an introvert and I don't like to be around people at all and there are very few people that I allow to touch or hug me. I keep to myself. In all the time she's lived here, we've never hugged.
I told her " no- I don't like to be hugged, I'm sorry " and she said "I don't care- I DO like hugs!" and she kept rushing at me with her arms out and I moved away. I said I had to go to the store and would be back later.
So a few minutes ago I got a text from her saying that she was moving out and to forward the rent money she just paid me a couple of days ago to her daughter.
I went to her room and knocked on the door and said let's talk. She said she can't live with this kind of stress. She said that when I said she was rude, it caused her too much stress and she told her kids about it and they told her to move out..
Keep in mind that in the year that she lived with me, this is the first time we have argued, if you can even call it that.
And all it was about was me trying to help her open a can of pepper and she started going off on me and I said that's rude and walked off .
I think she could have the start of dementia maybe. I apologized to her for saying she was rude for going off on me and she said she was going to talk to her kids about whether she should stay or not.
I'm just in shock about the whole situation. THIS is why I avoid people. THIS is why I am an introvert. THIS is why I keep to myself. I want to avoid situations like this at all costs.
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Luckylu · 61-69, F
My first thought was dementia before you mentioned it. If it is, it is better she move out. You don’t need that responsibility.
Mardrae · F
@Luckylu well, she has a son and daughter. The son lives in another state and she's talking about moving in with him and his wife. The daughter shot her in the face years ago, went to prison for awhile, steals all her money from her joint bank account she has with her.... and took her car for herself. My roommate knows how I feel about her daughter, and since they are the ones who suggested she move out, there's no telling what lies she has said about me behind my back because she loves to gossip and talks very bad about people.
Luckylu · 61-69, F
@Mardrae I would let her go doesn’t sound like a good situation to be in.
Mardrae · F
@Luckylu I absolutely hate having to rent my rooms out just to be able to pay my bills every month.
SW-User
She may have been holding in feelings about the spice issues and probably other things that were seemingly nothing to you, but big to her. I'm not sure I'd say no to an older person asking for a hug. Sounds like she was unhappy for a while or she decided it wasn't worth her time to stay. She's 85 and probably knows what she wants or doesn't want by now. Doesn't sound like dementia, but stress she didn't want at 85.
SW-User
@Mardrae you don't have to put up with anything in your own house. Dealing with older people is often different than peers or work people. It just is. You learn that eventually if you have older parents or grandparents. Sounds like you need someone like yourself that prefers to keep to themselves.
I know from experience, saying you don't like a food because of whatever reason, is insulting to some people. I try not to do that with older people. If I had an allergy, of course I would explain why I can't eat it.
Mardrae · F
@SW-User yes, she's always wanting to cook and give me food and I am always dieting and eating very healthy- almost all organic, gluten free, etc. She has no allergies herself. The other roommate is like me and keeps completely to himself. I can't be picky about my renters- there are laws about that.
SW-User
@Mardrae you interview your renters though. You're living in the house, it should be your choice.
SteelHands · 61-69, M
When an old resident is struggling to do something never offer to help. Just know that it might be you someday struggling to open a jar or trying to reach your shoe laces wanting to still at least feel capable of the small feats. Someone else entering into the room can help strengthen their motivation, feelings of independence, and overall confidence for the day.

They need those small things. They usually will ask when they're in need of help and of course then you should help them without judgement.
I feel like more I'm of an extrovert.

I remember one time I hugged my mil during the Christmas holiday because I was thanking her for a gift she gave me, and she move back and acted uncomfortable. I didn't understand. But now I realize that I'm probably a little more extroverted than she is. I hope you work it out. Keep us posted.
@Mardrae I feel like I've become more introverted than I used to be too.
@Spoiledbrat I assume it's age but my recent experiences could have contributed.
Mardrae · F
@Spoiledbrat I think Covid contributed to a lot of people becoming more introverted.
SW-User
If it is dementia, it's best she sees a doctor who specializes in that sort of thing. It is not your responsibility to be her friend and you don't owe her any explanation. She should be in the care of her family so that you can get on with your life
Mardrae · F
@SW-User her family didn't want her- that's why she moved in with me in the first place. They shoved her in a nursing home, then she begged to get out and she lived for awhile in extended stay motels that were very expensive. Finally her daughter suggested she find a room. I don't know much about her son except that he lives in another state and she wanted to live closer to her daughter who lives here.
Neoerectus · M
In?her 80s, my MIL had some mental episodes that simply turned out to be dehydration. Truly a doctor visit might be needed.
Mardrae · F
@Neoerectus maybe. All I have ever seen her drink is Starbucks coffee and whiskey.
Zeusdelight · 61-69, M
It could simply be a build up of things, that for some reason, she kept to herself.

Dementia is blamed for as many things as narcissism these days.
Mardrae · F
@Zeusdelight I agree. She's normally very sharp.
Strictgram · 70-79, C
Sounds like dementia.
Mardrae · F
@Strictgram yeah, at least the start of it. She's very sharp for her age, but this outburst was unlike her.
deadgerbil · 26-30, M
One less headache for you
Mardrae · F
@deadgerbil not at all. Now I have to stress about trying to find another roommate before the first of next month so I can get my bills paid. Huge headache.

 
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