Why can't i just let shit go and move on with my life!😫fck!

@AlchemyFox i don't like any of this i think it's bs

@Lostpoet then maybe you’ve finally had enough

@AlchemyFox I have intrusive thoughts and anxiety so i'm constantly thinking about things that have happened in the past even though i don't want to remember certain things and i can't do anything without them constantly popping into my mind.

@AlchemyFox I had enough a long time ago

@Lostpoet you can find your own way out once you’ve had enough. I believe that you can. Are you physically stuck in the past, or is it all memories?

@AlchemyFox I don't think i'm physically stuck in the past i know what year it is and what age i am. It's just i obsessive think about stuff that i've been through and i can't ever seem to just let anything go and it keeps on destroying anything in the present because now i just want to be alone and i hate everybody. People used to say that i'm nice guy, but now im the crazy person and i did nothing wrong.

@AlchemyFox Part of the problem is i don't think i'm a nice guy anymore. I am still in the same environment and i am trying to get myself out of it. But it's hard when i'm constantly going through stuff.

Thanks for saying im a good person though that does mean a lot to me. Are you Fox?

@Lostpoet You've always been cordial and caring towards me. Going through constant stuff can beat you down, and I feel you weathered some from the hurts, but I see your kindness if it means anything for you.

Now I'm curious who you mean, Fox... But I'll let that inquiry be what it may

@Lostpoet So you’re not a typical nice guy anymore… life isn’t easier because you’re nice I’ve learned. There’s almost no benefit except personally, kindness feels true. But it’s not safe to be the nicest person anymore now that humans treat each other like crap to feel better, bigger, badder.

Im to the point where, no, I’m not the sweetheart I used to be, but I still choose kindness. Now I am kinder to myself because nobody else will be. It’s over. I lost my family, friends, im selling the last thing that rooted me to my hometown and what I knew of family and love. It’s not sweet. I don’t have a great story, but I damn sure never gave in and let others tell me who I am or what I can do. Maybe temporarily, but I realize I can tell myself almost anything, why do I only believe the negative shit? Someone else’s rules, expectations and criticism are not mine to live by. The opinions of others mean nothing anymore because look at all these people. Sooooo many people and nobody has it right. We’re a mess.

I’ve seen you through the years, I’ve paid attention, I don’t know much, but I know you have been through hard times. Give yourself some credit hun. Life never made anyone softer and sweeter. Usually the people that are doing the dirty work behind kindness have been through some serious stuff. They’re pretty tough. It seems to me, for what it’s worth, you’re building that strength. Maybe you’ve always been a nice guy, but maybe societies definition of that changed. People are mean to nice people, it’s the sad truth. They’re mean to motivated, positive people, they’re mean to you when you’re grieving and having your worst day. Fuck them. Fuck anyone who tries to manipulate your feelings. That’s people misusing their power and they’ll get what’s coming to them if it hasn’t already yet.

Yeah Poet, it’s Fox. I’m not a “nice lady” anymore. But I know I’m good hearted and strong. I can live with myself because I am who I want to be unapologetically. Not perfectly, I start a few fires here and there, but it’s usually because I care.

It’s just not pretty anymore.

Physically I’m getting out of the hornets nest and that has helped me mentally beyond what I even realize yet. I’m starting fresh, far, far away from what I knew. I’m terrified. But I chose the tougher path because I know how to not be nice. I know how to get through shit because I’ve been through it. I believe in myself. I believe in some people and you’re one of them.

So what if we finish last? Im not racing to the end anyway, im enjoying the ride.

I wish for you to enjoy many more every days, and enjoy who you are. You’re creative, passionate and full of sentiments that don’t fall on deaf ears. You do have power. And I really think those of us who are subtly empowered after a bout of rough times, we are threatening to the happy little ideals people fake their whole lives to avoid failing at.

I whole heartedly believe you’ll find your way. But please hun, don’t put yourself down. You’ve been through enough, don’t bully yourself too. You deserve to be treated better, start with how you treat yourself. There will always be someone ready to shit on you, let yourself be your best ally. I know you can. Your poetry, your ability to think about what you’re thinking about. You have depths people are afraid of and that’s their weakness, not your issue.

What you think you can’t let go of, that’s someone else’s disappointment. You weren’t created to live up to other’s expectations. Fuck their disappointment because they don’t write the rules for your life. You do. And you are a beautiful writer. No doubt you can create a life you love 🖤

@AlchemyFox Thank you and I trust that you'll make it out too. Your art and your constant search for things that are meaningful will someday payoff into something beautiful. I don't think i can be one of those beautiful people that get thrown into the gutter and it turns them into something better something stoic. I feel mean inside and i feel like i didn't deserve the path i've been cast on. I just want to dig myself out. I want to be in a place where i can think about and plan on tomorrow, but right now i'm just struggling trying to get by, alone.