I Am An Introvert

But then again, that's not exactly true. I talk to almost everyone I meet. To an extent, I'm even popular. But when it comes to my dark thoughts and my insecurities, I can't seem to voice them to the source. I wish I was the kind of person who could interrupt the douche bag football pla<x>yer who never stops talking about my ass but never gathers the balls to actually talk to me face to face. I wish I could pick up my plate in the dining room and slam it in front of him, if not at his face, and DEMAND what is so amazingly interesting about my behind that it gets more attention than ME. If I could be that loud girl without boundaries, I'd also get in the face of the black kid racist against his own race, cuss him out maybe, screaming how sorry I feel for his mother and the black daughters he will have someday. I wish I could scream off the top of my lungs. I wish that when I confronted people I didn't feel so insecure and that my thoughts didn't feel so completely jumbled up. I wish I could own my looks and use them to my advantage. But when it comes to anything upfront, I back down without having been in at all. It's so frustrating to me. I wish I could be that girl, but I don't think I can ever be. And that truly breaks my heart. Because I get no respect for being quiet and insecure. The girl who can't voice her feelings never gets respect. I keep my head down too many times. I bite my tongue too many times. I don't live for me. Who am I living for? Why don't I just follow these impulses? Im sure that the people who don't give two shits about what others think are the happiest. Why can't that be me? Why do I think something's wrong with me? Why do I think my feelings are always wrong?

Why can't I be HER?
I just want to be what I look like.
I'm a long way off.