How do I regain my girlfriend's trust after I broke it?
Please don't tear me apart. I've suffered enough, she made me go through a hellish ordeal. I screwed up and completely jeopardized a relationship with the love of my life. I used to be very active in online dating before I met my gf [1.5 yrs ago]. I rekindled an old online "fling" while I was going through some serious issues. It was mostly relatively innocent conversation, but also admittedly some inappropriate photos/sexy talk. We never met in person and only talked/exchanged photos a few times. I didn't physically cheat but I know what I did is just as awful.
My gf found out about it, I've come clean and am actually getting professional help for severe depression now (which is what I think led me to do this in the first place.. not that that justifies it). We're living apart while I work on my many issues with therapy and introspection.. and we're doing very well. We're able to have fun together, hang out, etc. But it's not the same. (Which I understand). She's hesitant to hold my hand, kiss, etc. She says she's sorry it's taking her so long to come around physically.. that she's scared to allow herself to be vulnerable to me again.
Again... I understand this, but what I'm asking is HOW. How can I make her feel okay again? I told her to take all the time she needs. What should I do? I know time will help... but I suppose time alone isn't enough. I feel like I need to be doing something but idk what. There are about 383849483 articles and message boards online for how to get over being cheated ON, but very very few resources for how the cheater should handle relationship recovery. If anyone has any insight or resources that I could look into (from the betrayer's perspective), I'd really appreciate it. How do you earn her trust back? Stop asking for it. Stop asking what she needs in order to trust you. Asking that question is like expecting her to give you a quick 3-step magic fix. Stop asking what you can do. Stop asking how you can make it better. Stop pushing to get back to what you used to have and just accept that you don't have that anymore. You never will. If she's ever able to trust you again, it's still going to be different than before.
Couple things. Own up to the full extent of the issue and take full responsibility. Talk with her about what you were feeling that led you to make bad decisions. Let her know what you will do in the future if you get those feelings again (e.g. desire for excitement, etc). The only thing you can really "do" to actively try to build trust is to provide any degree of openness that your girlfriend wants - this includes things that I'd normally be against such as open access to your texts/phone and emails etc. Then again, this is a highly individual thing, and it may be that this wouldn't affect her ability to trust you either way, since trust that's based on "evidence" isn't really trust.
I wouldn't trust you ever again. If she has the heart to forgive you that's great for you two but you do not get to have a say in it at all. This is on her. Communicate, be honest, do things you know she likes, but know that going above and beyond as a boyfriend doesn't necessarily mean she'll trust you again. She doesn't owe you anything and neither do you.
It's not going to be a fast thing, so get that out of your head. She's the one who was betrayed, she's the one who gets to set the timeline.
Also, never EVER talk about it and that your "depression may have led to it" as it will come off as attempting to make excuses. Doesn't matter if you are, it is what it appears.
I guess in terms of trusting someone again after they have violated my trust it depends on whether or not I believe they understand why what they did was wrong and I need to know that they have an actual plan to change that behavior in the future. Anyone can say they're sorry just to get another chance but only a person who really is sorry will apologize, admit they were wrong and tell you how things are gonna be different moving forward. If I believe them I will give them another chance. This will essentially include an initial trial period where I watch them to see if they are really doing what they said they would do in order to change for the better. If they're still not behaving in a trustworthy way I'm going to terminate their second chance.
You say that you're letting her have all the time she needs, but yet here you are wanting to know how to instantly make her feel better. Doesn't work like that, duder.
Relationship: Once trust has been diminished, I'm over it and instantly have moved on. Friendships: I have one friend with a mental illness. When he occasionally decides he doesn't need his meds, all hell breaks loose. He goes on a "destroy all" mission. That there is a logical and rational reason as to why he becomes an unstable, untrustworthy, nut job; he is full flight from reality. It is out of his control. I get over his actions and behavior. I also know to stay out of his destructive path at those times. My other friends, I assess the situation. Were they going through something in their lives at the time of the incident? Is this a common problem in behavior? How likely is problem to occur again in the future? What are the pros and cons of continuing the friendship? Usually, it is a one time issue and they were emotionally charged and going through something which caused a breach in trust. The pros also outweigh the cons of continuing the friendship. I've, also, always been very good at picking my friends. All my friends have been lifetime friends. I don't run into many issues with trust and friends. Relationship, yes. I'm gone like a thief in the night in that case.
I’m very picky with who I spend my quality time with. I just won't let anyone come into my life, I pick and choose my friends. I have acquaintances from all walks of life. Heck, even go out to eat with them sometimes. I always weigh my pros and cons when it comes to violations of trust, and I usually tend to just write people off if I find out they’re untrustworthy. They get categorized as “just another person,” and those are typically people I don’t care about. I’m not sure how long... but I can spend almost a year trying to let others back into my life and social circle. And, only after they’ve pretty much have shown me that they understand what happened and why it took forever for the trust to grow back.
I found out at some point in my life that I won’t really bother to put any work into any relationship (friendships included) if I don’t trust them. I only want good, honest people in my life.
I like what you said though... there may be valid reasons for them violating my trust. Hopefully they are big enough to share what motivated them to do so. If they can’t... good bye.
I won’t lie though, once the trust is gone I spend serious amounts of time contemplating whether I should keep them in my life or not.
I only realized I exhibited the traits of a "sex and love addict," as it's somewhat lamely known, a little under a year ago. Prior to that, my compulsivity had already hurt my girlfriend a handful of times, and shaken the foundations of our relationship pretty badly. It has been a rough year and a half, and I hate myself for it. A lot. :(
Speficially: I've never physically cheated on her, and could never go through with it if the opportunity presented itself. However, she did catch me flirting with girls I know and - the big one - stumbled across these godammed chat logs IRC had autosaved on my computer, documenting hours and hours of depraved cybersex in which I engaged (she once told me she didn't consider that cheating per se, but then explained she meant in a once-in-a-while kind of way, not in a, um, everytime she left the house, for hours, sort of way.) She was heartbroken.
Believe me: I know I fucking suck. I also know she has every reason to leave me after all this, but please be aware that, as the gravity of all this has sunk in, I have been in the throes of the worst depression of my life, period. While I'd never do it myself, the hopelessness has really made me empathize with the suicidal. Sometimes I feel like the biggest failure in the world, and cry uncontrollably at the slightest trigger. I love this girl and worry our trust is so destroyed we'll never reach the next level. I just really hate myself here. Heh. Eventually I started going to Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings, and when that got too religious and weird, I sought out a private therapist - unfortunately, I temp, and w/o insurance it became prohibitively expensive (about 25% of my paycheck). We also put a keylogger on my computer to which only she has a password. I have been porn/flirt free for a few months now.
She understood about the therapy, but has grown increasingly distant this past month, saying she is not sure we have a future together - all of our friends are getting married, she said, but if I were to ask her right now, she'd say no. I wanted to die. She said the keylogger helped at first, but that she realized she wanted to be in a relationship where she wouldn't have to check up on me - just trust. Makes sense, of course. So, I started going back to SA to start addressing the emotional issues that got us here in the first place - my fear of rejection, reliance on sex for validation, etc. - at least until I get some insurance. It seems better, now, and to her immeasurable credit, she is sticking around for some reason.
So, I am sorry for the rambling post - I am desperately writing this on my Droid at work. Does anyone have any experience rebuilding trust in a relationship with a douchebag like me? Is there anything I can do here? This all started during her law school finals, so we were pretty distant for a while, but now that they are over, she still seems alienated - for example, we haven't had sex in about a month, down from a few times a week. She doesn't seem affectionate and asked for some space, which just makes my need for her affections increase dramatically. I wouldn't put it quite so harshly, but your GF being unreasonable. You obviously love this girl, and yet she treats your entirely normal porn habit like you're a depraved monster. It's sad and a little twisted that she has you convinced your crazy and in need of treatment.
You should get out of this relationship and get into one with a woman who has enough (A.) a thorough enough grasp on reality to understand that all men watch porn and many like sex-chat as well, and (B.) enough self esteem not to feel threatened by that fact. You seem to believe that you'll never have a decent relationship until you can conquer your evil desire to look at pictures of naked women. In fact the opposite is true. Your girlfriend will be "betrayed" by every man she dates until she gets over her hang-up or finds someone whose a better liar than you. I've been in a happy relationship for 7+ years, and my girlfriend respects my privacy. She may think porn is the grossest thing ever, but she lives in the real world and accepts it as part of the bargain if you want to date a man. Dude, stand up for yourself. Watching porn and flirting with other people is natural. Yeah, you were doing it to such an extent that it was an addiction but your problem is not cheating or sex, it's about spending too much time on an activity.
My gf found out about it, I've come clean and am actually getting professional help for severe depression now (which is what I think led me to do this in the first place.. not that that justifies it). We're living apart while I work on my many issues with therapy and introspection.. and we're doing very well. We're able to have fun together, hang out, etc. But it's not the same. (Which I understand). She's hesitant to hold my hand, kiss, etc. She says she's sorry it's taking her so long to come around physically.. that she's scared to allow herself to be vulnerable to me again.
Again... I understand this, but what I'm asking is HOW. How can I make her feel okay again? I told her to take all the time she needs. What should I do? I know time will help... but I suppose time alone isn't enough. I feel like I need to be doing something but idk what. There are about 383849483 articles and message boards online for how to get over being cheated ON, but very very few resources for how the cheater should handle relationship recovery. If anyone has any insight or resources that I could look into (from the betrayer's perspective), I'd really appreciate it. How do you earn her trust back? Stop asking for it. Stop asking what she needs in order to trust you. Asking that question is like expecting her to give you a quick 3-step magic fix. Stop asking what you can do. Stop asking how you can make it better. Stop pushing to get back to what you used to have and just accept that you don't have that anymore. You never will. If she's ever able to trust you again, it's still going to be different than before.
Couple things. Own up to the full extent of the issue and take full responsibility. Talk with her about what you were feeling that led you to make bad decisions. Let her know what you will do in the future if you get those feelings again (e.g. desire for excitement, etc). The only thing you can really "do" to actively try to build trust is to provide any degree of openness that your girlfriend wants - this includes things that I'd normally be against such as open access to your texts/phone and emails etc. Then again, this is a highly individual thing, and it may be that this wouldn't affect her ability to trust you either way, since trust that's based on "evidence" isn't really trust.
I wouldn't trust you ever again. If she has the heart to forgive you that's great for you two but you do not get to have a say in it at all. This is on her. Communicate, be honest, do things you know she likes, but know that going above and beyond as a boyfriend doesn't necessarily mean she'll trust you again. She doesn't owe you anything and neither do you.
It's not going to be a fast thing, so get that out of your head. She's the one who was betrayed, she's the one who gets to set the timeline.
Also, never EVER talk about it and that your "depression may have led to it" as it will come off as attempting to make excuses. Doesn't matter if you are, it is what it appears.
I guess in terms of trusting someone again after they have violated my trust it depends on whether or not I believe they understand why what they did was wrong and I need to know that they have an actual plan to change that behavior in the future. Anyone can say they're sorry just to get another chance but only a person who really is sorry will apologize, admit they were wrong and tell you how things are gonna be different moving forward. If I believe them I will give them another chance. This will essentially include an initial trial period where I watch them to see if they are really doing what they said they would do in order to change for the better. If they're still not behaving in a trustworthy way I'm going to terminate their second chance.
You say that you're letting her have all the time she needs, but yet here you are wanting to know how to instantly make her feel better. Doesn't work like that, duder.
Relationship: Once trust has been diminished, I'm over it and instantly have moved on. Friendships: I have one friend with a mental illness. When he occasionally decides he doesn't need his meds, all hell breaks loose. He goes on a "destroy all" mission. That there is a logical and rational reason as to why he becomes an unstable, untrustworthy, nut job; he is full flight from reality. It is out of his control. I get over his actions and behavior. I also know to stay out of his destructive path at those times. My other friends, I assess the situation. Were they going through something in their lives at the time of the incident? Is this a common problem in behavior? How likely is problem to occur again in the future? What are the pros and cons of continuing the friendship? Usually, it is a one time issue and they were emotionally charged and going through something which caused a breach in trust. The pros also outweigh the cons of continuing the friendship. I've, also, always been very good at picking my friends. All my friends have been lifetime friends. I don't run into many issues with trust and friends. Relationship, yes. I'm gone like a thief in the night in that case.
I’m very picky with who I spend my quality time with. I just won't let anyone come into my life, I pick and choose my friends. I have acquaintances from all walks of life. Heck, even go out to eat with them sometimes. I always weigh my pros and cons when it comes to violations of trust, and I usually tend to just write people off if I find out they’re untrustworthy. They get categorized as “just another person,” and those are typically people I don’t care about. I’m not sure how long... but I can spend almost a year trying to let others back into my life and social circle. And, only after they’ve pretty much have shown me that they understand what happened and why it took forever for the trust to grow back.
I found out at some point in my life that I won’t really bother to put any work into any relationship (friendships included) if I don’t trust them. I only want good, honest people in my life.
I like what you said though... there may be valid reasons for them violating my trust. Hopefully they are big enough to share what motivated them to do so. If they can’t... good bye.
I won’t lie though, once the trust is gone I spend serious amounts of time contemplating whether I should keep them in my life or not.
I only realized I exhibited the traits of a "sex and love addict," as it's somewhat lamely known, a little under a year ago. Prior to that, my compulsivity had already hurt my girlfriend a handful of times, and shaken the foundations of our relationship pretty badly. It has been a rough year and a half, and I hate myself for it. A lot. :(
Speficially: I've never physically cheated on her, and could never go through with it if the opportunity presented itself. However, she did catch me flirting with girls I know and - the big one - stumbled across these godammed chat logs IRC had autosaved on my computer, documenting hours and hours of depraved cybersex in which I engaged (she once told me she didn't consider that cheating per se, but then explained she meant in a once-in-a-while kind of way, not in a, um, everytime she left the house, for hours, sort of way.) She was heartbroken.
Believe me: I know I fucking suck. I also know she has every reason to leave me after all this, but please be aware that, as the gravity of all this has sunk in, I have been in the throes of the worst depression of my life, period. While I'd never do it myself, the hopelessness has really made me empathize with the suicidal. Sometimes I feel like the biggest failure in the world, and cry uncontrollably at the slightest trigger. I love this girl and worry our trust is so destroyed we'll never reach the next level. I just really hate myself here. Heh. Eventually I started going to Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings, and when that got too religious and weird, I sought out a private therapist - unfortunately, I temp, and w/o insurance it became prohibitively expensive (about 25% of my paycheck). We also put a keylogger on my computer to which only she has a password. I have been porn/flirt free for a few months now.
She understood about the therapy, but has grown increasingly distant this past month, saying she is not sure we have a future together - all of our friends are getting married, she said, but if I were to ask her right now, she'd say no. I wanted to die. She said the keylogger helped at first, but that she realized she wanted to be in a relationship where she wouldn't have to check up on me - just trust. Makes sense, of course. So, I started going back to SA to start addressing the emotional issues that got us here in the first place - my fear of rejection, reliance on sex for validation, etc. - at least until I get some insurance. It seems better, now, and to her immeasurable credit, she is sticking around for some reason.
So, I am sorry for the rambling post - I am desperately writing this on my Droid at work. Does anyone have any experience rebuilding trust in a relationship with a douchebag like me? Is there anything I can do here? This all started during her law school finals, so we were pretty distant for a while, but now that they are over, she still seems alienated - for example, we haven't had sex in about a month, down from a few times a week. She doesn't seem affectionate and asked for some space, which just makes my need for her affections increase dramatically. I wouldn't put it quite so harshly, but your GF being unreasonable. You obviously love this girl, and yet she treats your entirely normal porn habit like you're a depraved monster. It's sad and a little twisted that she has you convinced your crazy and in need of treatment.
You should get out of this relationship and get into one with a woman who has enough (A.) a thorough enough grasp on reality to understand that all men watch porn and many like sex-chat as well, and (B.) enough self esteem not to feel threatened by that fact. You seem to believe that you'll never have a decent relationship until you can conquer your evil desire to look at pictures of naked women. In fact the opposite is true. Your girlfriend will be "betrayed" by every man she dates until she gets over her hang-up or finds someone whose a better liar than you. I've been in a happy relationship for 7+ years, and my girlfriend respects my privacy. She may think porn is the grossest thing ever, but she lives in the real world and accepts it as part of the bargain if you want to date a man. Dude, stand up for yourself. Watching porn and flirting with other people is natural. Yeah, you were doing it to such an extent that it was an addiction but your problem is not cheating or sex, it's about spending too much time on an activity.
