Why are women so much more easily offended than men?
I know this is controversial and I am asking this as a woman. I especially noticed this on Reddit in female dominated subs. The moment I say anything that is slightly different than the norm, not 100% what OP wants to hear or just different from what they believe is right I get downvoted and criticized a lot.
I am not talking about saying things that are clearly disrespectful, discriminatory or clearly wrong. It's more like person X ask if a specific goal is attainable and you say that for their specific situation it may not be because other people in that situation usually don't have have that much success. Or you ask a question yourself asking for advice and you get criticized for not doing it right instead of getting advice. I have noticed that men are less likely to to make insignificant details a big deal or to turn something you said into something else then judge you for it. I’m completely open to a change of mind here.
It seems like people who are part of a group that has been discriminated against seem to be more fired up lately than in the past. Furthermore, I’ve never seen so many accusations of racism, homophobia, sexism, etc, particularly in conversations where the person wasn’t intending to be racist, homophobic, sexist, etc.
The message coming from the offended people (and those who support them) is often a variation of: “I feel this way, and you need to do some research to see why your comments made me feel this way.” There seems to be no room for explaining oneself or defending a position, nor do the people feel that they owe you an explanation of why your comment offended them. If you offend someone, you are wrong. Furthermore, you are a jerk. A person could jump to an incorrect assumption about you, and you have to just accept it….and even apologize. The message is often that they don’t need to explain why your comment was wrong, rather you should explore on your own.
I have largely been on the sidelines of this trend until recently. And admittedly, in the thread where I became the bad guy, I can see where I was wrong. I should have apologized and moved on. But I’ve seen other threads where I 100% agreed with the accused person and felt like they were being gang tackled for something that was not out of line (in my opinion). And if the comment was perceived as such, I think there are more productive ways to address it than virtually slapping them and telling them to do their own research. It seems like we’ve reached a point where debate is not allowed, and if someone is offended, their right to be offended supersedes your right to question the context that brought on the reaction.
I don’t think that makes for healthy online dialogue. Thank you for your responses. Are you easily offended?
I was just wondering how other INFJs react in certain situations where you are offended or hurt. Do you feel as if you are a more sensitive individual to criticisms/offensive comments, or is it more difficult to offend you? I feel this is relatable to the current state of society in America right now. Not necessarily with every situation, but I feel this is accurate when it comes to certain situations.
The overall meaning behind my view is that I feel like just because somebody says they are offended by something someone has said, or has done, doesn’t mean that they’re automatically right and whoever offended them is wrong.
How do you deal with people that are easily offended?
I’m sure you all are familiar with cancel culture and how it has evolved throughout the years. I’ll be the first to say, because it’s important that it’s understood, I’m not saying that I or anybody else can control what offends somebody, or control their right to be offended by anything. I’m simply saying that just because someone is offended by something, doesn’t mean that their taken on said action was justified for them receiving an apology, or being show any sympathy etc.
It’s hard to just make an example off the top, but I’ll say two examples. I’m me being an example to explain my view, the other being an example that takes place/has taken place in real life.
Example 1 (Hypothetical)
Today I was expressing how my culture treats/views children. For example, how putting a child into daycare is seen as bizarre (when it's not absolutely necessary but rather a choice). And got my head ripped off for implying that parents who put their kids in daycare are bad parents (sort of thing).I was raised where children are not seen as belonging to their parents, but rather to the whole family (and village). We are all expected to look after our little ones. And to me, white culture views biological relations like property - like a child is 'owned' by a parent if they are biologically related. And the court system treats children like property. The wellbeing of a child is often secondary to parental access rights and law. Apparently to the white people that replied, I'm nothing but wrong and insulting. I was also raised where everyone in my family speaks their mind. I'm not talking about being intentionally insensitive or mean. But rather, we just say what we mean. Sometimes that can be confronting. But while I am a really sensitive person (and empathic so I struggle with other peoples' feelings too :/ ), I don't take offense, as it were, at what people say to me unless it's actually offensive. When people disagree with me, my initial reaction can be one of anger or feeling confronted or hurt. But I mull on it a moment to see the intention behind it. Often times my family can say things that may seem confronting or hurtful but I know the intention is to lend a different perspective, or hell, even just tell me I'm being an idiot (which I think we all need sometimes, especially us overthinkers lol). Sometimes, things are hurtful but instead of reacting and getting combative, we just think, "Ok, well that's what you think, I disagree" and move on. Like there's always an unsaid "Agree to disagree". And so much of what we learn from each other is by example rather than what's said. Like if we disagree on something, we may not say in words that we disagree but will rather hope to change someone's perspective through showing them a different way.
Even so, I code switch to talk/write in about as sensitive way as I can. And I'm not implying we shouldn't be sensitive to other people but rather being overly cautious about someone's sensibilities can actually mangle our meaning and intent.
Oof, it's hard to explain something in words that is just second nature.
I'm not just talking about things like white fragility with regards to racism. It just seems like white people get uppity?/offended really easily by anything that doesn't align with how they live their life.
It feels like a form of colonialism - white people's way of life is the highest form of living therefore all other cultures perspectives are wrong, anti-feminist, offensive, etc. I'm really tired of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around white people and put a disclaimer with everything I say about a different cultural perspective ("My experience is not a commentary on yours" sort of thing).
Let’s say there’s a morbidly obese woman whose at the doctor’s office for a checkup. The doctor then goes on to tell her that she’s over weight, needs to watch what she eats, and suggest a diet for her to partake in, along with a layout for a suitable workout plan that fits this woman’s body/work schedule. Continuing on, this woman then goes on to claim that she feels offended and feels like the doctor took a body shaming approach when delivering the information he suggest for her.
Is it ok for this woman to be offended? Absolutely
Is the doctor in the wrong though?
How do you stop getting offended at everything, or stop getting easily offended?
If this woman were to post a video crying about how she feels like she was body shamed, should this doctor be fired from his job?
Keep in mind, the doctor was never disrespectful, but more so was just very blunt telling this woman what she needs to hear health wise versus what she would want to hear.
Whose wrong in this situation?
Example 2 (Real Life)
Look at comedians of today. I’m all for times in the world changing not only for the better, but just in a general sense. But I feel like comedians today offend people at their shows when the whole purpose is to make one laugh and have a good time. Jokes at a comedy show can range from cultures, to stereotypes, sexual preferences, insecurities, etc. Look at Dave Chapelle. People were trying to cancel him because they felt his show was homophobic. While again, I admit that I cant tell somebody what can offend them and what cant, but does the people that felt Dave was wrong, does this mean they were automatically right? Does intent matter? Context matter? How about the Environment in which it’s understood that comedy shows are entertainment and while everyone might not find it funny, it comes from a genuine place of basically laughing at the wrongs in society in an attempt to make a negative into a positive.
Basically to summarize everything. I’ll stick to the second example to conclude. I feel like if someone feels they want to cancel Dave due to being offended, that’s ok. But does it automatically make the offended party right? My view is that I don’t think so. I feel like being offended is more of a opinionated thing versus factual like I see a lot people try and make it seem.
I am not talking about saying things that are clearly disrespectful, discriminatory or clearly wrong. It's more like person X ask if a specific goal is attainable and you say that for their specific situation it may not be because other people in that situation usually don't have have that much success. Or you ask a question yourself asking for advice and you get criticized for not doing it right instead of getting advice. I have noticed that men are less likely to to make insignificant details a big deal or to turn something you said into something else then judge you for it. I’m completely open to a change of mind here.
It seems like people who are part of a group that has been discriminated against seem to be more fired up lately than in the past. Furthermore, I’ve never seen so many accusations of racism, homophobia, sexism, etc, particularly in conversations where the person wasn’t intending to be racist, homophobic, sexist, etc.
The message coming from the offended people (and those who support them) is often a variation of: “I feel this way, and you need to do some research to see why your comments made me feel this way.” There seems to be no room for explaining oneself or defending a position, nor do the people feel that they owe you an explanation of why your comment offended them. If you offend someone, you are wrong. Furthermore, you are a jerk. A person could jump to an incorrect assumption about you, and you have to just accept it….and even apologize. The message is often that they don’t need to explain why your comment was wrong, rather you should explore on your own.
I have largely been on the sidelines of this trend until recently. And admittedly, in the thread where I became the bad guy, I can see where I was wrong. I should have apologized and moved on. But I’ve seen other threads where I 100% agreed with the accused person and felt like they were being gang tackled for something that was not out of line (in my opinion). And if the comment was perceived as such, I think there are more productive ways to address it than virtually slapping them and telling them to do their own research. It seems like we’ve reached a point where debate is not allowed, and if someone is offended, their right to be offended supersedes your right to question the context that brought on the reaction.
I don’t think that makes for healthy online dialogue. Thank you for your responses. Are you easily offended?
I was just wondering how other INFJs react in certain situations where you are offended or hurt. Do you feel as if you are a more sensitive individual to criticisms/offensive comments, or is it more difficult to offend you? I feel this is relatable to the current state of society in America right now. Not necessarily with every situation, but I feel this is accurate when it comes to certain situations.
The overall meaning behind my view is that I feel like just because somebody says they are offended by something someone has said, or has done, doesn’t mean that they’re automatically right and whoever offended them is wrong.
How do you deal with people that are easily offended?
I’m sure you all are familiar with cancel culture and how it has evolved throughout the years. I’ll be the first to say, because it’s important that it’s understood, I’m not saying that I or anybody else can control what offends somebody, or control their right to be offended by anything. I’m simply saying that just because someone is offended by something, doesn’t mean that their taken on said action was justified for them receiving an apology, or being show any sympathy etc.
It’s hard to just make an example off the top, but I’ll say two examples. I’m me being an example to explain my view, the other being an example that takes place/has taken place in real life.
Example 1 (Hypothetical)
Today I was expressing how my culture treats/views children. For example, how putting a child into daycare is seen as bizarre (when it's not absolutely necessary but rather a choice). And got my head ripped off for implying that parents who put their kids in daycare are bad parents (sort of thing).I was raised where children are not seen as belonging to their parents, but rather to the whole family (and village). We are all expected to look after our little ones. And to me, white culture views biological relations like property - like a child is 'owned' by a parent if they are biologically related. And the court system treats children like property. The wellbeing of a child is often secondary to parental access rights and law. Apparently to the white people that replied, I'm nothing but wrong and insulting. I was also raised where everyone in my family speaks their mind. I'm not talking about being intentionally insensitive or mean. But rather, we just say what we mean. Sometimes that can be confronting. But while I am a really sensitive person (and empathic so I struggle with other peoples' feelings too :/ ), I don't take offense, as it were, at what people say to me unless it's actually offensive. When people disagree with me, my initial reaction can be one of anger or feeling confronted or hurt. But I mull on it a moment to see the intention behind it. Often times my family can say things that may seem confronting or hurtful but I know the intention is to lend a different perspective, or hell, even just tell me I'm being an idiot (which I think we all need sometimes, especially us overthinkers lol). Sometimes, things are hurtful but instead of reacting and getting combative, we just think, "Ok, well that's what you think, I disagree" and move on. Like there's always an unsaid "Agree to disagree". And so much of what we learn from each other is by example rather than what's said. Like if we disagree on something, we may not say in words that we disagree but will rather hope to change someone's perspective through showing them a different way.
Even so, I code switch to talk/write in about as sensitive way as I can. And I'm not implying we shouldn't be sensitive to other people but rather being overly cautious about someone's sensibilities can actually mangle our meaning and intent.
Oof, it's hard to explain something in words that is just second nature.
I'm not just talking about things like white fragility with regards to racism. It just seems like white people get uppity?/offended really easily by anything that doesn't align with how they live their life.
It feels like a form of colonialism - white people's way of life is the highest form of living therefore all other cultures perspectives are wrong, anti-feminist, offensive, etc. I'm really tired of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around white people and put a disclaimer with everything I say about a different cultural perspective ("My experience is not a commentary on yours" sort of thing).
Let’s say there’s a morbidly obese woman whose at the doctor’s office for a checkup. The doctor then goes on to tell her that she’s over weight, needs to watch what she eats, and suggest a diet for her to partake in, along with a layout for a suitable workout plan that fits this woman’s body/work schedule. Continuing on, this woman then goes on to claim that she feels offended and feels like the doctor took a body shaming approach when delivering the information he suggest for her.
Is it ok for this woman to be offended? Absolutely
Is the doctor in the wrong though?
How do you stop getting offended at everything, or stop getting easily offended?
If this woman were to post a video crying about how she feels like she was body shamed, should this doctor be fired from his job?
Keep in mind, the doctor was never disrespectful, but more so was just very blunt telling this woman what she needs to hear health wise versus what she would want to hear.
Whose wrong in this situation?
Example 2 (Real Life)
Look at comedians of today. I’m all for times in the world changing not only for the better, but just in a general sense. But I feel like comedians today offend people at their shows when the whole purpose is to make one laugh and have a good time. Jokes at a comedy show can range from cultures, to stereotypes, sexual preferences, insecurities, etc. Look at Dave Chapelle. People were trying to cancel him because they felt his show was homophobic. While again, I admit that I cant tell somebody what can offend them and what cant, but does the people that felt Dave was wrong, does this mean they were automatically right? Does intent matter? Context matter? How about the Environment in which it’s understood that comedy shows are entertainment and while everyone might not find it funny, it comes from a genuine place of basically laughing at the wrongs in society in an attempt to make a negative into a positive.
Basically to summarize everything. I’ll stick to the second example to conclude. I feel like if someone feels they want to cancel Dave due to being offended, that’s ok. But does it automatically make the offended party right? My view is that I don’t think so. I feel like being offended is more of a opinionated thing versus factual like I see a lot people try and make it seem.
