I used to wish my parents would acknowledge their wrongs & maybe even apologize for the past

I quit hoping for that years ago. Most parents never apologize & will never own up to the damage they caused you. They'd rather push it all away like it didn't exist. Carry on like it never happened. & If we try talking about it, we get told shit like "it wasn't like that", "things were different back then", or "that never happened"

They don't acknowledge what they did they just invalidate our feelings & make us feel like we're the broken ones.

I think a lot if it does come from self guilt. Sure, there's probably many who truly believe they did nothing wrong. But I'd bet most of them know the truth, yet they push it aside. Thinking that if we all pretend it doesn't matter, we don't have to think about it, so it's all fine.

It's not fine though. If you're the adult in the situation, don't make excuses for your bullshit. Own up to your goddamn mistakes because your kids will carry that with them forever. No matter how much you think you can forget.

I grew up angry. I fought a lot. I spent so much energy fighting everyone & everything & I'm tired. I'm not even angry anymore. I got over that. But that doesn't mean the hurt is gone. Anger was only a byproduct of being hurt... but the hurt is forever there.

I simply learned that pointing fingers doesn't solve shit.
All I can do is figure out the root of my own traumas & take accountability for my own actions to heal on my own. We can't take accountability for anyone else, they gotta take that for themselves.

Whether they ever do or not, f*ck it. Heal YOU.

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

I will never get an apology from my mother for the way she treated me and she didn’t keep me safe from the man that molested her. He did the same thing to me.

My mom has early on set dementia and doesn’t remember any of the trauma she caused me.

My dad wasn’t great but he was always waiting for the next bomb to drop with my mother.

Now I have care and control of my moms medical decisions and finances. Wen she dies I am not sure if I will be sad or relieved. I am not sure what that makes me.

You will never get what you need from your mom so you know you are going to have to move on and do better because letting these feelings torment you only hurts you.

I really hope you can heal 💖

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@iamonfire696 I'm very sorry to hear that. I'm sure you know this already because I've mentioned it before. I don't like talking about it but I'm drunk rn so whatever... But my mom was raped too. As was my sister. The man who did it to my mom, he was killed for it. The man who did it to my sister, is still alive because nobody knew.
One thing I've lightly talked about here before is that I know who did it to my sister. I saw it. I was only 8. She was 4.

My mommy issues, whatevever.. my daddy issues, f*ck that too. I wished I had solid parents but mon of us need that.

I think you might possibly feel better after she passes. That doesn't make you a bad person, or anything at all. It just means you know yourself.
We're not required to love our parents. We can.. but doesn't mean we have to.

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@ChiefJustWalks I remember you mentioning that you saw it happen to your sister and I am so sorry. I can’t even imagine what that has done to you.

Want to know what’s really fucked up. The man that molested me and my mom lives across the street from me. I can look out my front window and I see him in his yard.

I feel like this should bother me more than it does but when he’s out there I like to stare at him so he gets so uncomfortable that he just goes back inside his house.

I don’t think I do love my mother at all. It’s never like I was ever told I was loved either. Just how I was such a disappointment. Which is very ironic because I got a paper route when I was 8 to make my own money because we were poor. I worked part time through high school and I graduated with honours. I graduated first in my class in college.

My sister and brother both dropped out of high school but I was a disappointment.

People that say you should love your family because they are family are toxic AF. I don’t have to love or spend time with people that treat me like shit.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@iamonfire696 yeah, I've talked about it before but I dont like to. Normally the only times I've mentioned it, I was drinking. Like now. But you didn't deserve that 😔 nobody does. That's why it infuriates me so heavily. People wonder why I'd kill for people.. they wonder why idgaf & how I'd murder someone for hurting someone I love.
It's all about ending that BS.. because those twisted sacks of shit never quit til they're caught. & The law can't do shit.

The dude who hurt my sister, he'll die. Nobody will know why. Nobody will trace it back to how. Because I don't have those ties. It's just gonna happen. Nobody knows what he did.. nobody knows I know. Simple as that.

But I get you 🖤 I was the disappointment too. It's not your fault. I literally had honors in every subject. Math, English, Science, History. But I said f*ck it all & dropped out. I just never thought I mattered

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@ChiefJustWalks I worry about you when you drink. I know it’s a coping mechanism for you but I would hate for you to fall into addiction.

My sister is drinking herself to death, my mom is a recovering alcoholic. I don’t really drink myself because I have seen the destruction alcohol does.

You are a smart guy, I can tell that and your grades just prove that. Just imagine what you could do if you applied yourself. I know you probably hesitate because you fear failure.

Failure doesn’t make you weak. It gives you an opportunity to humble yourself and learn from mistakes.

You have so much potential. You just need to harness that now 💜.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@iamonfire696 it could be addiction 😒 I think I'm dependent on it.. every male in my family (both mom & dads) have died from drinking & my mom likes to remind me of that frequently. My mom tends to be very insightful & she told me a year ago that if me or my sister don't quit drinking, it's gonna kill us very soon.

I believe her. My sister just had her baby but she's already back to drinking. As for the fear of failure, yeah that's very real too. Even my relationship that just ended... it wouldn't have ended if I would've had some stability 😔 at least SOMETHING to hold on to

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@ChiefJustWalks I worry about that. It’s starts with dependency and then gets to the point where your body can’t be without it. I don’t want to see that for you.

You have so much to offer but it’s the stability that you need in your life. That’s for you though, you would do better having it.

I totally understand having something good and then completely fucking it up because you wonder why you even deserve having this and it’s all just gonna end badly so you push it along and do something stupid to sabotage yourself. It’s those damn intrusive thoughts.

I am glad you sister stopped drinking for the pregnancy. My sister didn’t, it’s amazing my nephew is okay. When she got pregnant again I took her for an abortion so fast because she drinks 24/7 without a break and she didn’t need to screw up another kid.

I really hope you see that you do deserve good things and you pull yourself out of this place.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@iamonfire696 yeah I don't wanna end up a full blown alcoholic. I've always been up/down with it. I did quit for two years once. From age 14-16. I've had times I quit for months. Even all of this year I hardly drank. I didn't start drinking a bit heavy again until like a month or two ago. I think part of it is just a way to drown out my feelings when shit happens.

It only ends up making things worse. I drink & drink until I do something so stupid that I can't save it or ever turn back 😔 then I'm only left with my consequences & yeah.. I think subconsciously I do it all because I don't think I deserve shit. I destroy shit so I can never hold on to it again. It's rare that I hurt anyone in the process except myself but if I hurt anybody else then it just feels worse

I'm sorry about your sister. That can't be easy to have to be the one to tell your sister she shouldn't have any kids. But there's a lot of parents out there who shouldn't have had kids. There's a lot of kids who suffer & you did a good thing to save your sister from damaging another child. Even if it hurt to have to take that role.

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

@ChiefJustWalks My sister didn’t want another kid but I didn’t hesitate to take her for an abortion because I knew how bad she would screw up another kid.

Can you keep the drinking in check? Maybe start to go without and see how that goes? I know you don’t want to feel those feelings but they are going to come eventually.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@iamonfire696 oh then at least she was aware she didn't need another 🙏 I hope that decision wasn't too heavy on her.

But yeah I can keep my drinking in check often. I used to have a lot less control. I couldn't even walk into a store without buying alcohol. It was always on my mind so I was drinking almost every day. I posted this pic once of my 40oz collection once from age 18 or 19 😅 & this was only 1 collection lol. The first origins of my username

I do wanna slow down lately though. I start off happy when I'm drinking. I'm talkative. I enjoy it. But then once it's the end of the night & I'm alone I fall apart. We definitely can't escape any feelings. Only delay them