When did you 'figure out' your 'sexuality' or have you never really understood it?

I didn't discover sex until mid-20's, never had girlfriends in school or when I tried university after high school. Parents were divorced when I was 12, neither of them ever talked to me or tried to help me navigate 'discovering' what sex and sexual attraction meant or was. I've never been big on friends in general, and throughout most of my childhood I always did things by myself.

I've always felt very confused about sexuality and sexual preferences, and don't feel I've ever really understood where I stand/sit/walk in that space.

Anecdotally, a lot of people seem that they 'worked it out' early on in teenage years, or they 'knew instinctively' what their sexuality and sexual preferences were by the time they became adults. I can't say that's happened for me.

I suppose for me because I doubt myself so much in terms of social anxiety and have a massive fear of everything around sexual attraction, sex, intimacy, relationships, etc. I find sexuality, etc. to be a 'blocked out' topic area in my mental 'library'.

Being single long term in a 'couples world' (as manufactured 1st-world cultures tend to be) kinda makes you question everything about your understanding of human intimate/sexual interactions because everything focuses on being 'coupled' and as a single person you're socially an outlier.

I'd love to get other people's perspectives on all this as I know we're all different.

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dancingtongue · 80-89, M

It sounds like you haven't been able to sort out sexuality and sociality issues which, admittedly, and extremely interwoven. I never questioned my sexuality. Part of that probably can be growing up on a ranch where at a very early age you are told no, the rooster isn't picking on the hen, why the bull has been brought in and no, he is not fighting with the cow, etc. The other part being that around 10 my mother -- my parents weren't up to having THE talk -- gave me a book from the library for my further education on the subject. (Well, she was a teacher, and my homeschool teacher by necessity at the time since I was bedridden for 4 years during puberty.)

But I had been attracted to girls even before that. There never was a question in my mind about my sexual preference. But when I returned to school as a teenager and all those tomboys I had had crushes on now had hips and things, and talked funny, I had no clue on how to interact with them. Or with guys, for that matter. No experience in socialization skills during that critical developmental period. It took me until I was 21 and nearly finished with university to have my first date. Took me another five years to find a modicum of learning how to have a relationship with a woman that wasn't totally platonic or totally, full blown, over-the-top, crushing infatuation & lust that sent them fleeing.

Good luck with YOUR search for the right balance.

zonavar68 · 56-60, M

@dancingtongue I suppose for me I wasn't 'attracted' to anyone in my pre-teen or teen or early adult years, and any time I did feel something I was confused, had nobody I could talk to, and basically shut the door and I never 'explored' sexually and by my mid 20's I was still totally clueless about dating, sex, intimacy, relationships. I was steadfast though on one thing - that I will *never* get married.

dancingtongue · 80-89, M

@zonavar68 A high school and college buddy of mine -- equally inept socially with the opposite gender -- said we would never get married and made a bet: first one to, lost. I lost about 6 or 7 years later. Happy to pay off. He never has. But has shared his home with a female cousin for 40-plus years since her divorce from a mutual high school and college buddy, and both are being cared for by her daughter from that marriage these days. Life has curious paths.