How do you work out your sexuality and sexual preferences as a mature adult who's really confused by it all?

I'm a guy - I have a penis and balls so gender wise I'm a man. No doubting that. No wacky pronouning with me.

Sexuality - not sure.

Sexual preferences - not sure.

Are sexuality and sexual preferences the same thing or not - not sure.

I know there are stacks of videos on youtube about people explaining how they work out their sexuality and sexual preferences, but for me I've 'questioned' mine pretty much my whole life and feel not being able to work that out contributed in a large way to relationships not working out, being frightened of sex, romance, intimacy, emotional commitment stuff, etc.

I've not been married, hardly dated, had two LTR's, but feel like the whole sex/romance/dating/intimacy boat/bus/bandwagon has gone. I can't (and don't) talk about it with anyone as I reckon almost everyone would just say i'm 'wierd' for not categorically knowing at my age.

I feel wierd living in a world where you're meant to know the answers to these things since it's kind of important when trying to be 'open' to potential possibilities of linking with sometime in a romantic/intimate sense.

Some people 'know' they are straight, bi, gay, lesbian, queer, polysexual, demisexual, pansexual, sapiosexual, etc but for me none of that works. I'm just me, and perhaps there is a scientific way (like how people get 'tested' for things like ASD) to maybe work out which box (and which 'shape' of box) is right. I don't know what to categorise myself as, and even just saying 'neuro divergent' really doesn't make sense to me as I just don't know what that actually is.

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Steve41337 · 61-69, M

I want to be understanding of your lifelong confusion/frustration but it seems the only way out is rather simple from my perspective and would be more productive than the rabbit hole you're currently going down. What I am about to say is intended to be helpful and it's not spit-out words and ignore my advice.

Here are my observations and suggestions

I would forget the long list of terms and focus on discovering if you are Straight, Gay or Bi. I also provide some specific suggestions on how to fuel that discovery later but it basically involves creating experiences that can help you measure and decide if you prefer pussy to dick or like both. I would suggest this is all that should matter to you right now. Keep it simple. Forget all those other labels. They only keeping you stuck in a hopeless situation.

You obviously need practice dating since you said you have done very little of it. You also need practice getting "into" and "out of" relationships because there's something wrong when you end up in two LTR's with very little dating. One LTR would be bad enough but two should be sounding alarms for you. Make sure you don't get into a 3rd LTR without much dating.

Before focusing on dating and maneuvering in and out of relationships; the suggestion of going to Bangkok is a good one if you don't know which gender you prefer. If you're confused; make some direct comparison's there and pay close attention to your feelings and sexual energy or excitement. Get really clear on your preferred sex partner gender. That won't change later when you're in a LTR relationship.

If you're not confident or experienced with sexual intercourse then get some massages with happy endings instead at home or abroad. Pay close attention to your preference of having a male or female masseuse in terms of your sexual interest and excitement. If from these experiences you discover you have no preference then start identifying yourself as being bi.

My 2 cents.

zonavar68 · 56-60, M

@Steve41337 I'm so wary now that I think I have 'built in' romance trigger blocks created during the breakdown of the second relationship and if I actually detect a possible opportunity I go into panic mode because I don't know how to handle it and just want to get away because I find sexual attraction (esp since I can't trust it if offered by someone else) frightening. I can't deal with real-world random sexual attraction feelings, and would be aghast if any woman showed interest in me at random. Physically I'm not attractive unless a woman thinks a dad bod without a large 'chad' dick is what she likes. So in terms of my sexuality and sexual preferences I really don't know. I don't feel I 'fit' any definition partly because I have no idea how, or to whom, to talk about to understand any of it.

Steve41337 · 61-69, M

@zonavar68 it seems you're lacking basic critical thinking skills. Others attraction or lack of attraction to you has nothing to do with whether you're most attracted to the same sex, opposite sex, or both. Figure this out and stop the over-analysis and mental-masturbation. I can be highly sexually attracted to someone who totally rejects me. You'll continue sabotaging yourself over and over again until you simplify this and so far it seems you want to keep the problem overly complicated, convoluted and unsolvable. I hope you can understand my recommendation and move forward. If you can't I would suggest you focus on finding good non-sexual friends and not have sexually intimate sexual relationships with anyone because they will necessarily fail as in the past.

zonavar68 · 56-60, M

@Steve41337 Perhaps I'm asexual/aromantic programmed from birth genetically or conditioned that way during early childhood? I believe I was not breast fed as a baby so probably never got the basic wired instructions on human sexual attraction bonding so to me it isn't automatic and inate like I shouldn't have to think about it.

Steve41337 · 61-69, M

@zonavar68 I’ve often wondered if my near obsession and fetish with Women’s breasts comes from being breast fed as a baby. I’m a straight self-identified “tit man”! 😍

With a big interest in the ANR/ABF community and relationship practices.

I can agree with your analysis in the sense that if being breast fed eventually lead me into adulthood acknowledging a strong sexual attraction and appreciation of Womens breasts that would also be a reason why I’ve never suffered your identity confusion. When I love a Woman’s breasts I love everything about her as a person. And there is no way I could have equally loving and sexual feeling about a man.

Going back to your analysis you’re correct it is automatic for me I understand it must be so much more difficult for you because it’s not automatic. I feel for you brother. That can’t be easy. Seems your options other than waste energy complaining about it is to embrace/own/identify being asexual or otherwise continue to work thru the process of discovering yourself as Straight Gay or Bi if you want to fit in with cultural norms.

zonavar68 · 56-60, M

@Steve41337 I've never had any opportunity to try anything outside of 'straight' space. Closest I got is my first ex once I started suspecting her of cheating she offered to line up a threesome with another guy (not the man she cheated with), but there were so many things wrong with that and I declined (and not long after broke up with her).