"If I die there and this way that will bring them great honor and it would be my greatest achievement"

This is not a healthy thought.
It is socially acceptable suicide and it was planted in my brain for as long as I remember.
The "thank you for your service" and its variations are all normalization of self-destructive tendencies and sacrifices that no one should have had to make to begin with.
It is not honor, it is the world betraying you.