Imane Khelif Wins First-Ever Gold Medal In Freestyle Domestic Violence

Algerian boxer Imane Khelif made history this week by becoming the first-ever Olympian to win the gold medal in the new Freestyle Domestic Violence event.

"This is for all of us," an emotional Khelif said, raising his bloody fist triumphantly as the broken body of his small female opponent lay before him. "I'm proud that my superior man-shoulders and bone structure gave me the ability to beat up this small woman. This is what the sport of freestyle domestic violence is all about."

According to doctors, the genetically male Khelif has higher testosterone and XY chromosomes that make him a killing machine. He has dominated the amateur Domestic Violence circuit, but this is the first time a similar event has made its way to the Olympics.

"Today, I make history as the first professional woman beater to win a gold medal specifically for beating a woman!" a breathless Khelif said as he wiped blood off his gloves. "I'm a brave pioneer!"

"It's — it's my fault," his combatant said as she cried. "I fell down the stairs and into a doorknob really hard, that's all." The sportsmanship she exhibited earned her the silver medal.

At publishing time, Imane Khelif also brought home gold in Freestyle Mansplaining.