I spent my childhood watching people compromise until there was nothing left but chaos.
Sometimes it was gradual and discreet. More and more chaos creeping in , the more they said "it is fine".
There was too much ugliness. I disliked it. I can't even begin to describe it.
Now, even a hint of negligence in my environment feels like a threat and I think if I allow it, I am allowing collapse. So I refuse to compromise thinking I’ve already seen where that road ends and I am not taking it.
30 minutes ago I had an inner anger outburst because a guy misaligned electric installation. It didn't look the way I wanted it visually. I had to remind myself this is not my past. I can get him to do it again without my feelings involved.
And I did manage to step out then in again and tell him calmly to fix it. He tried to argue but I told him that I want things my way. And that usually I scream at people and traumatize them , it's best if he just does his part and leaves.
My brain has all sorts of systems to keep me safe, and it’s only in an intimate relationship that I feel secure enough to exist without them. And not get things my way.
That or very close relationships.
There was too much ugliness. I disliked it. I can't even begin to describe it.
Now, even a hint of negligence in my environment feels like a threat and I think if I allow it, I am allowing collapse. So I refuse to compromise thinking I’ve already seen where that road ends and I am not taking it.
30 minutes ago I had an inner anger outburst because a guy misaligned electric installation. It didn't look the way I wanted it visually. I had to remind myself this is not my past. I can get him to do it again without my feelings involved.
And I did manage to step out then in again and tell him calmly to fix it. He tried to argue but I told him that I want things my way. And that usually I scream at people and traumatize them , it's best if he just does his part and leaves.
My brain has all sorts of systems to keep me safe, and it’s only in an intimate relationship that I feel secure enough to exist without them. And not get things my way.
That or very close relationships.
