I don’t like sleeping. [I Have Ptsd]

I don’t like falling asleep. I do anything to make sure I pass out exhausted so I will be too tired to dream.
I’m fine during the day I don’t think about it. But at night when my mind wonders I start feeling you creep up into my head. I start hearing your voice screaming at me. I see your arm raised to hurt me. I feel the pain in my head from where you split it open. Still to this day. Even though I got away from you 5 years ago.
I scream and bite my lip or into my pillow to keep from being too loud. I shut my eyes tightly and whimper I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry repeatedly. But it doesn’t matter.
I had nothing to be sorry for. You did. I didn’t do anything wrong. You beat me. I did my best. You slacked off. I wanted to finish school. You wanted to do drugs.
I pushed you to be better. But instead of getting on my level you beat me down. Until I was just like you.
You caused more than just physical damage. You’re the reason I can’t fully trust people. Why I want everything to be perfect and get frustrated when it’s not. You’re the reason I want to please the person i seek attention from. You’re the reason when I’m slipping I want to hide. Crawl up and die at times. Because I still to this day I fear of getting hurt over being human.
I shake and cry and scream when you creep up into my head.
And the sad thing about that is there’s no door for you to knock on. You just visit uninvited. And it scares me. Because all I can think of. Is if you can’t leave me alone. If it’s always going to be like this.
There’s only one sure way of getting rid of you...