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I Have Ocd

*Free flowing thoughts to help myself that other people may be able to relate to.*

My mental illness has left me so disconnected with people. I analyze everything about my personality. It's not always about what others think about me... It is was I think about myself. This statement maybe a healthy goal for some. But the voice inside my mind directed towards myself is much crueler than anyone I've known.

It's a voice that never stops. I can redirect my inner monologue sometimes with exercises and hobbies. Even then I think about all the steps I should be taking, in order of how to do them, to become better at the actives. I can do this for hours... I can do it all day for days.

It makes me feel crazy to know I'm always talking to myself. Isn't that what crazy people do? Talk to themselves?

How do you connect with people when your are at war with yourself?
How do you calm down when you don't know how to relax? Because when you have time to yourself you obsessively think about the steps you need to take to become better?

It's such a hard thing to explain to people.

Like if I ask someone a question and they give me an answer I want to ask them the same question again. I want them to tell me the answer same answer until it "feels right". Like if they say the answer again it will magically validate the answer more then before.

But I don't do this of course, because I don't people to know I'm crazy.
Gubbe · 41-45, M
Trust me Morgan; I know exactly how this is - we may not be the same person etc, but the similarity to my own self is strong. I have just written a spiel about my obsessions on pure ocd; as I am quite sure you already have heard about.

As far as when the war on self and about oneself and all that obsessive thinking about obsessions themselves; and in my experience trying to find a way in a labyrinth in order to actually experience life outside my head! - I just have to remind myself that I am actually THERE....fucking hell this fucking shit sometimes.

The conversation with self I do have; It appears while I am also speaking to someone - sometimes it even gets mean and angry; I am figuring this out to be just an emotional response to some shit I have endured before and yeah...

the thoughts in themselves just limits choice - as the mind chooses for me; the validation of myself I dont even know matches reality - it feels right in my body but what the fuck does that mean really - if inside it is so doesent mean outside myselkf it is so; the fantasy vs reality shit...inner world vs external reality - these fucking things I am tired off at times...spiritual search and what not...

I can only tell myself that I just need to be patient - but as I said; i have some other things in me, but I share these thoughts.

 
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