I m still looking back to yesterday and what happened. A part of why I completely lost the ability to regulate my feelings and actions was my brother

My older brother. I remember sitting there thinking this man is doing what my dad did to my brother. He is using him to sustain a narrative of someone else being the problem for his misery.

Brother and I never saw eye to eye till my twenties mainly because I had lot of trauma related to him and I was extremely hostile. He hurt me after being pressured to it by our parent, trained to do it and I often struggle with that.

Despite of me being the target of most of the beating, it was my brother that had it worse. He was trapped as toy that is always disappointing. Always disappointing to dad, taken everywhere as favorite child, the patriarch of the family but also humiliated everywhere publicly, mocked, shamed and abused. Nothing he ever did was right, nothing was good enough.

You see I hated my father since the day I could see other fathers, other families and understand what family meant to be. And my hatred was very obvious. I was chaos, I was him. I did not miss a chance to hurt him back. I was not confused, I was not brainwashed. I hated him.

My brother, he was obedient child. He loved my parents. He did everything he was told and still got treated like a failure.

He eventually joined the army to get away and deal with it.

Even though we have our issues, I feel for him and he feels for me. And that is probably why I snapped.