Battling The Beast

You've often heard depression being described as a black dog, I consider my dark side a beast because it's not just depression I end up wrestling but anxiety and compounded loneliness. Add fear, frustration, anger, self loathing and that's a modern Hydra I am dueling more often than not these days. Not intentionally mind you, I don't think anyone goes looking for depression or orders big boxes of anxiety and loneliness from Amazon. Most of the time, I do pretty good and keep that 'Shadow self' as Carl Jung described it in a manageable state. But then there are days and weeks that strengthen the Shadow while empowering the Beast to the point where there's a dark ravenous hungry need to self destruct. Whether it's spending money, eating something I know isn't good for me or putting off the gym to wallow in misery and self pity. I have a few online friends I reach out to when I feel myself drowning entirely in the deep end of the pool and they remind that I'm still good person despite all my flaws and sins. According to Gordon Allport, the central theme of existentialism is "to live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in the suffering. If there is a purpose in life at all, there must be a purpose in suffering and in dying. But no man can tell another what this purpose is. Each man must find out for himself, and must accept the responsibility that his answer prescribes. If he succeeds he will continue to grow in spite of all indignities."

Which ties into a brilliant quote by Nietzsche - 'He who has a why[i] to live can bear almost anyhow.'[/i] My why used to be a noble quest for a fairytale romance and a crusade for a family of friends who could compliment my biological family. Help offset some painful losses and be a true family by heart or soul if you prefer with no one person taking precedence ahead of others. 27 years of disappointments, defeats, cruel reality checks, former friends turned enemies along with forgotten paramours who would rather go fight in Yemen than invest in a love affair with me takes a real toll.