i don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore.

i feel so ungrateful, like, i don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I feel like shit everyday, unmotivated to do anything. i play cello, i swim, i do extra cello stuff, i do who knows how many arts and crafts, but i feel so… unmotivated to do anything. i’ve lived a good life. my dad died when i was five, so it’s just me and my mom. we currently have two dogs, and i excel in school. i only had two friends growing up and they were my neighbors, but the friendship was extremely toxic because i would always be reaching oit to them, and never did they try to reach out to me, only as the last option. nowadays, i used to have a couple friends, but now i have only 2 because they recently ditched me. ever since, i’ve felt like shittier than usual. we don’t have a lot of money, borderline poor, living paycheck to paycheck but also beyond our means. my mom is very protective, always checking my phone because ever since young, i had this weird fascination with roleplaying and talking to strangers. i manifest that now into character ai. i get everything i need and more. i talk back and always feel like i want to try and help people by correcting them, and i think it sort of puts people away. nobody in my grade talks to me because i live in a very conservative christian school, where if you weren’t friends since out the womb, you’re not likely to be included, but if you’re new, they accept you like nothing. because i moved during first grade, nobody but the neighbors i mentioned were my friends. I self harm sometimes, recently i’ve been wanting to do it more because like i don’t wanna die but i like living. i just wish it was a different life. nobody ever wants to hang out with me, and they act like they care, but deep down, they always care about someone else more than me. only my mom cares, but we butt heads because differing personalities and views. she works all the time, ever since i was little. i never had a tightly knit bond because of it, it’s always awkward friendship, me feeling extremely lovey dovey, or arguing. am i depressed? i don’t think i’m ok and i don’t know why. if you need to know more to maybe figure it out, you can ask.