Yesterday was the best day
I have had in years. I was making friends on here. Interacting with people like I knew what I was doing. Even flirting just a little.😔
I almost remembered who I was so long ago. 😢
However, tonight, I am feeling really bad again. I am ashamed of myself for flirting, even though it really was innocent. I am exhausted from socializing because I haven't socialized for years online or offline.😔
Maybe I just overdid it or something. Maybe I am just getting more nervous about my upcoming oral surgery. Maybe it is because I haven't slept well for a couple of days, or maybe it is just me. 😢
Maybe I ran across something that triggered my PTSD, although I can't think what. All I know is that I feel like I want to curl up in a blanket somewhere and hide until I feel better.😭
Why do I have to be this way? Why can't I just have a happy day, and let it be ok, without the darkness creeping back in?
I know why, but it seems so stupid. I flirted a little, just a little, now I am ashamed. The deep kind of ashamed I had when I was a little girl. The icky, sticky, can't wash it off kind of ashamed. 🥺
There is no reason for this. I didn't do anything so bad. I wrote loving words. Not adult activity words, just words of friendship and love. I felt a little loved by someone besides my family, and now the self-punishment will beat me down until I can't move. Until I retreat back into my shell, and cry until I drown. I hate this. 😭
Everyone has been so nice, and I have had so much fun. It has been like I was almost a normal person for a day or two. But who am I kidding? I am not a normal person. 😢
What goes up must come down. At least that is how it is for me. I will still be here, but I might just lurk for awhile, until I can climb back out of the hole I am in. 😔
[media=https://youtu.be/UMaPYvFy99c]
UPDATE- Well, I told my Husband what I did, and now I understand my feelings.😢 He is disappointed in me. I knew he would be. I was being only a tiny bit too friendly, but it was enough to hurt his feelings. At least, I think that is what he is feeling. He told me to stop doing it, or I would keep hurting myself, and that he didn't want to deal with this drama.🥺 He was aggravated with me.I could tell.😔
As much as I really want to learn how to socialize, I don't know what to do, how to act, or what to feel, when it seems like someone cares about me a little more than just in a passing way. I think it may be because of the issues I have in setting boundaries for myself and others. It also has alot to do with the lack of emotional connection between my Husband and myself. Someday, I am going to be a good wife. 😭
I'm going to pin this post,so I don't forget to not be stupid.
I almost remembered who I was so long ago. 😢
However, tonight, I am feeling really bad again. I am ashamed of myself for flirting, even though it really was innocent. I am exhausted from socializing because I haven't socialized for years online or offline.😔
Maybe I just overdid it or something. Maybe I am just getting more nervous about my upcoming oral surgery. Maybe it is because I haven't slept well for a couple of days, or maybe it is just me. 😢
Maybe I ran across something that triggered my PTSD, although I can't think what. All I know is that I feel like I want to curl up in a blanket somewhere and hide until I feel better.😭
Why do I have to be this way? Why can't I just have a happy day, and let it be ok, without the darkness creeping back in?
I know why, but it seems so stupid. I flirted a little, just a little, now I am ashamed. The deep kind of ashamed I had when I was a little girl. The icky, sticky, can't wash it off kind of ashamed. 🥺
There is no reason for this. I didn't do anything so bad. I wrote loving words. Not adult activity words, just words of friendship and love. I felt a little loved by someone besides my family, and now the self-punishment will beat me down until I can't move. Until I retreat back into my shell, and cry until I drown. I hate this. 😭
Everyone has been so nice, and I have had so much fun. It has been like I was almost a normal person for a day or two. But who am I kidding? I am not a normal person. 😢
What goes up must come down. At least that is how it is for me. I will still be here, but I might just lurk for awhile, until I can climb back out of the hole I am in. 😔
[media=https://youtu.be/UMaPYvFy99c]
UPDATE- Well, I told my Husband what I did, and now I understand my feelings.😢 He is disappointed in me. I knew he would be. I was being only a tiny bit too friendly, but it was enough to hurt his feelings. At least, I think that is what he is feeling. He told me to stop doing it, or I would keep hurting myself, and that he didn't want to deal with this drama.🥺 He was aggravated with me.I could tell.😔
As much as I really want to learn how to socialize, I don't know what to do, how to act, or what to feel, when it seems like someone cares about me a little more than just in a passing way. I think it may be because of the issues I have in setting boundaries for myself and others. It also has alot to do with the lack of emotional connection between my Husband and myself. Someday, I am going to be a good wife. 😭
I'm going to pin this post,so I don't forget to not be stupid.
