I have a confession to make.
Over the past few months, I have been back and forth here a number of times. I would first like to apologize to anyone who had to delete a bunch of stuff, or deal with a bunch of stuff I left behind (I am not sure how that all works). I have this habit of throwing out the baby with the bathwater that has plagued me all my life.
I was Baker Acted twice late last year, and I don't want to repeat that horrible experience ever again, so when I was trying to decide what to do about a conflict with the therapist I had, and did not answer 2 phone calls, the VA sent the police here. They didn't take me anywhere this time, but it was highly unnerving. That was in late March of this year. So, in April, I cut off contact with them, which included ditching my meds. Smart, huh?
Just today, I called to get back into the system again. I am hoping to have a different prescriber and therapist, the explanations of why are too lengthy to get into here. I hope things will be different this time...
If insanity really IS doing the same thing and expecting different results, I guess I AM insane in addition to my multiple DXes of major depression with anxiety, PTSD, and some borderline features. (Just to clarify, the PSTD and borderline are related to my upbringing and not my military service, thought I did serve in the first Gulf War.)
I know that I took what I had for granted, when so many are struggling with health care, but it also took me 19 years to get full benefits, so I do understand, at least somewhat.
I actually believe I might have been born with mental illness of some kind. My mom once told me that when I was a baby, I used to scream until she put me in my carriage and put the carriage out on the porch. I never had kids, so I don't know...
Also, I believe the PTSD (or at least the anxiety) dates back to when I lost a sibling when I was 7 and he was just 3 weeks short of 14. I was not told anything, and the first I "knew" was when my mom led me down the aisle of the church and told me to say good-bye to my brother who was lying in his open casket. (Since then, I have lost 3 more siblings and both of my parents, plus some one other significant loss, which is another long story...)
I also recently read that borderline personality disorder can be induced in part from rejection by peers. I was a total social outcast, so I do wonder...
In addition, I had some trouble with my father being "inappropriate" with me as an adult, so that was when my PTSD was actually diagnosed. My psych back in my home state remarked that it could have been worse, and that is true, but it didn't help me much. This particular trauma has been on my mind a lot of late, because the last time I saw my sister-in-law, I shared some of this information with her (plus the fact that my oldest brother died from AIDS at the age of 36 when it was still a "gay men's disease), and my brother told here I was lying and broke off all contact with me for a while. I moved out of my home state to spend more time with him here, since again, we are two of the four remaining, and I am not in touch with the other two. He did try to get in touch with me for my birthday last month, but I told him that I wanted to be alone. That wasn't precisely true, but it seemed a better option than to be with someone who has such a low opinion of me as to say I would lie about a thing like that. And also, when we were in touch, he would yell at me when I had a startle reaction, so I got quite tired of that as well.
I tried several chat rooms in the interim since I came back here. Got banned from one for posting a music video; I didn't read the site rules and jumped right in because I was hurting. And the other one I tried was mainly younger people, so I was always self-conscious.
I am not sure what else to add, but again, I do apologize for any worry or even inconvenience, I might have caused.
I was Baker Acted twice late last year, and I don't want to repeat that horrible experience ever again, so when I was trying to decide what to do about a conflict with the therapist I had, and did not answer 2 phone calls, the VA sent the police here. They didn't take me anywhere this time, but it was highly unnerving. That was in late March of this year. So, in April, I cut off contact with them, which included ditching my meds. Smart, huh?
Just today, I called to get back into the system again. I am hoping to have a different prescriber and therapist, the explanations of why are too lengthy to get into here. I hope things will be different this time...
If insanity really IS doing the same thing and expecting different results, I guess I AM insane in addition to my multiple DXes of major depression with anxiety, PTSD, and some borderline features. (Just to clarify, the PSTD and borderline are related to my upbringing and not my military service, thought I did serve in the first Gulf War.)
I know that I took what I had for granted, when so many are struggling with health care, but it also took me 19 years to get full benefits, so I do understand, at least somewhat.
I actually believe I might have been born with mental illness of some kind. My mom once told me that when I was a baby, I used to scream until she put me in my carriage and put the carriage out on the porch. I never had kids, so I don't know...
Also, I believe the PTSD (or at least the anxiety) dates back to when I lost a sibling when I was 7 and he was just 3 weeks short of 14. I was not told anything, and the first I "knew" was when my mom led me down the aisle of the church and told me to say good-bye to my brother who was lying in his open casket. (Since then, I have lost 3 more siblings and both of my parents, plus some one other significant loss, which is another long story...)
I also recently read that borderline personality disorder can be induced in part from rejection by peers. I was a total social outcast, so I do wonder...
In addition, I had some trouble with my father being "inappropriate" with me as an adult, so that was when my PTSD was actually diagnosed. My psych back in my home state remarked that it could have been worse, and that is true, but it didn't help me much. This particular trauma has been on my mind a lot of late, because the last time I saw my sister-in-law, I shared some of this information with her (plus the fact that my oldest brother died from AIDS at the age of 36 when it was still a "gay men's disease), and my brother told here I was lying and broke off all contact with me for a while. I moved out of my home state to spend more time with him here, since again, we are two of the four remaining, and I am not in touch with the other two. He did try to get in touch with me for my birthday last month, but I told him that I wanted to be alone. That wasn't precisely true, but it seemed a better option than to be with someone who has such a low opinion of me as to say I would lie about a thing like that. And also, when we were in touch, he would yell at me when I had a startle reaction, so I got quite tired of that as well.
I tried several chat rooms in the interim since I came back here. Got banned from one for posting a music video; I didn't read the site rules and jumped right in because I was hurting. And the other one I tried was mainly younger people, so I was always self-conscious.
I am not sure what else to add, but again, I do apologize for any worry or even inconvenience, I might have caused.
