My life feels meaningless

For the last year or so, I have come to feel as though my life just doesn’t matter anymore. I've been in pain ever since my ex ghosted me a year ago, it's a pain that nobody else can see. And the worst part is that the pain I feel doesn’t matter to anyone but me. It's the kind of pain that stays with you even when you’re surrounded by people. A pain that I silently keep with me each & every day. I'd love to move on, but it's hard. Especially without the right support system.

I go to work and feel like a ghost in the room, mainly because I'm always excluded, overlooked, sometimes even mocked behind my back. I try to speak, to be part of something, but it’s like I’m speaking a language no one wants to understand. A language nobody cares to listen to. My job has negatively impacted me in ways I still dont really understand since I'm treated as though I'm not worth the time of day.

And the worst part is, the things that used to help me cope don’t bring any sense of comfort anymore. No amount of exercising, working on passion projects, or distracting myself doesn’t give me any satisfaction or meaning. It doesn't make me forget about all the things I've lost these last 7 or so years. All those distractions feel like just that now; a distraction. Like I’m just going through the motions. My life used to feel connected, purposeful, real.

I’ve lost people over the years. Not just to death, but to distance, time, prison, silence. And I don’t think I ever really recovered from that. It’s hard not to look around and see everyone else finding reasons to keep going; relationships, support, closeness.... and in the end, I wonder why I feel like I’m standing still while they all move forward. It feels like I dont deserve any of those things, and I question why I'm still even here. It's like I'm at the end of my rope, but no death in sight.

I’m not looking for sympathy. I just wish that my life had meaning again. I wish I could regain that support system I used to have when my mom passed away 8 years ago. But year by year, I gradually lost those connections. And without those people in my life, everything just feels so empty. I tried to numb myself with alcohol for about 3 or 4 years, but I'm at a point now where it doesn’t help me forget anymore & just isn't fun like it was when I first started drinking.

I miss when I used to matter to someone. Not romantically, but platonically like in the sense a friend cares about your well-being & wants to be a part of your life. It feels like my life has been lacking that these past 4 or so years. I try to reconnect with people I was once close with, but it always falls flat on it's face somehow. Like it just isn't really reciprocated. I know better than to hold it against them, but I really hate feeling as though my life doesn’t matter to them anymore.

I know thats not how it really is, but at the end of the day I don’t have any hope to hold onto anymore. No reason to continually want to better myself aside from just doing those beneficial things for the hell of it. And even that only goes so far without the right motivation. Without anything worth fighting for.

I just wish this pain mattered to somebody aside from me. Wish I was worth fighting for. But unfortunately, I'm not. I dont want therapy, i dont want that sort of help because they're being paid to pretend to care. And thats not what I want. I just want genuine bonds with people, genuine friendships where people genuinely care about me. But even that feels fleeting the longer I live

My life really does feel meaningless anymore. No matter what I do to try & dig myself out of this hole, I always find myself back at square one eventually.

I yearn to have meaning in life.