within a few months a while ago, I lost a parent (death) a partner (breakup) and a pet (death). I know how you feel. I didn’t know how to return to work. I had been off for several months. It was really hard. I tried therapy but I needed therapy like everyday. I couldn’t read or exercise or do anything to help it. Hated my life. I think you should seek out some therapy. I know you don’t think they actually care but sometimes they have a way of showing you a different way to look at things. They can show you how to process your feelings and to decide whats “real” and whats not bc a lot of what we think just isn’t correct. They can also validate your feelings and let you know that feelings are normal but need to be processed. Personally I found it great for marriage counselling with a therapist bc the therapist finally pointed out things to my husband that were problematic in his reasoning and behaviour that he hadn’t even considered. (He is much more aware now but still has issues ngl) So you might have some things pointed out to you you might find helpful even in a case like this.

Also I think you need an outlet for this darkness ro express itself - journaling or art perhaps. That helped me a lot. But most of all be patient with yourself. Sometimes I still feel tje pain of grief. I’m reading a book now that talks about how grief can actually change your whole psychology and I really think it has in my case. It’s been 15 years and I’m not the same as I was before that year of hell.

Hear me out and before you respond give it a few days to think about it. From all angles.

The good the bad the ugly and the potentially meaningful.

Join the army.

I know that's pretty extreme but you seem to be in an extreme place mentally. Maybe it's something that's going to hit you so hard in life you'll find what you're looking for. Force you to change everything about yourself. Inside and out. Really make you extremely uncomfortable.

I've learned that for change. Real change. A person needs to go through some seriously uncomfortable changes to alter who they are and how the feel in general.

I feel this way at times.

You're lovesick.. go to hi5 and get a new gf or at least a distraction.. 😳

You’re probably still hurt by the break up. You will get over it. As you get older, you get stronger and you get used to things not feeling good anymore.
Yes when you hit your 30s exercise and alcohol don’t really affect you like they did in your teens and 20s.