im feeling down again

I don't know what to do. This year has just been ups and downs and I can't handle it anymore. I promised my mom I wouldn't sh but it's genuinely so difficult to keep that promise. I'm over 2 months now so I'm going strong but it's so so so difficult. And we can't afford my therapy anymore so i don't get to talk to anyone. I just feel like no one is listening and I don't know how to help myself. I'm staying up late again, crying myself to sleep, not feeling motivated to get up in the morning, being quiet at school, etc. It felt like 2023 was gonna be my year and it's only been feeling awful, then getting better, then feeling even worse, then trying to convince myself I'm okay.