I'm afraid that all the loneliness has turned me into a mad person...

I know that I want a relationship.
One where a partner calls me sometimes several times of the day, just to tell me that they tripped or something goofy.

I want a partner who can't wait to finish work for the weekend because he can't wait for us to do fun and all the boring stuff together.

I want a mum who wants to spend time with me and doesn't spend her time criticising me and everything around us.
Who can deal with responsibility, making and keeping plans, if anything remotely emotional happens doesn't use it as an opportunity for her to make a joke.

I wish that I had a friend that wants to go out and do fun things, sometimes just hang out. But doesn't try to dominate, bully or use me. Just a mutual friendship.

Because these things don't happen, and haven't happened I feel quite angry inside.
I feel really empty and resentful.
Like I'm standing still because my life isn't progressing at all.
I've desperately tried to be kind to others, show enthusiasm and interest in them but it doesn't seem to work...
I had therapy to help me get to the point where I can admit I'm not in a good place and have to take anti depressants just to keep me functioning.
And just go through life quietly...

It sparked the idea of me finally deciding to get a dog!

I thought getting a dog would change my life, and for the most part it really has. I have a routine where I have to go out regularly. I'm talking to people more.
But it's really hindered my freedom. I'm not complaining about having him, I've just realised that it's really difficult as a single person to own a dog.
Restaurants you can't go to.
Shopping places you can't go.
People dodging you because your dog is a raging lunatic and foaming at the mouth at the sight of seeing them. (not!)

He makes me laugh a lot... But I know deep down he will never fill the void that I'm missing.

I love him but I fear loving him too much because everyone leaves me in the end!


I dunno 2023 is going to be a weird year for me as I'm ending this year in a really weird mental space.

I made a mistake going on a dating app.

Tomorrow I know that I will wake up and this feeling will still feel raw but ill Bury it down and just keep going!

But I can honestly say that I don't know how much more of this I can take...
I know I won't take matters in to my own hands but I don't know if my sanity will hold up.

There are some people that don't realise that they are playing games with me. Or maybe they do and get enjoyment from playing these horrible games.

Making empty promises... Let's meet up, I'll call you later... Once we've settled into our new place you can come round...

I wish I knew what it was... Maybe I'm that easy to read people can see this sadness in me...