I Battle Depression and Anxiety

So lately I've been taking my antianxiety meds off and on to help me sleep. I haven't taken them for a few nights and last night I woke up to a vivid memory of when I saw my deceased brother in the emergency room. I immediately thought about when my mom died in the ICU and I got really panicked and felt guilty about not wanting to see either of them after that last time... It's like I couldn't bring myself to the point where I could just let them go. It seems like the older I get the more confused I become when dealing with emotion and death and mortality. I wish I could afford a therapist,... I've been to a few and there must be one out there that can help. I'll bet he's damn expensive.