Had an awful day at work

Today I had the worst day at my job in quite sometime.

So much pressure, making so many mistakes. Frustrated with myself as to why I can’t be better. I didn’t get much sleep last night…and it really effected my performance at work.

For the past year I’ve been sober but I had thoughts about breaking my sobriety. Going to a bar after work, getting intoxicated then going home and cutting my wrists with a kitchen knife.

I haven’t cut myself in several months and I haven’t had alcohol in a year. Yet the temptation is there. I don’t know why I still discipline myself. It’s more so a habit at this point.

I could care less if I passed away tomorrow. That’s not even a dramatic exaggeration. I actually nearly died in a car accident last April and I wasn’t afraid when death called to me. I was bleeding out in the backseat of a cop car, at that moment in time I didn’t feel any pain or fear.

Yet i’m still here, existing to exist. Taking the pain for no reason other then a force of habit and because I know me being dead would hurt my family.