The nights are the worst...

For those that haven't read my previous post, my beloved very recently passed. And I felt the need to vent again right now. I haven't been sober all day. I'm trying desperately to pick up the pieces and fight back against this depression. But then I ask myself truly what for? Sure I want more than anything to honor her by continuing to fight. But the truth is I'm just so tired.

It's nearly midnight right now. I was reminded of her in the smallest way and it was enough to make me feel sick from the longing. Now here I am hoping to sleep but I know it will be a struggle. I just miss her so much goddammit. Her absence is undeniable. I feel it. Even in this room right now. But yet I can't believe that she's gone. I don't want to believe it. The loneliness of the night time is crushing. Why must death be so final and absolute. It's times like these I wish I died with her. It's made even more difficult because she was my best friend. If someone else I loved had passed instead of her she would be supporting me now. And I'd be able to say to myself "I may have lost so and so. But I still have her".

I would have genuinely rather lost a physical limb. Or one of my senses. Than lose her. And there's many others grieving right now because of her. But I'm the only one grieving her as a romantic partner. As a mate. And that only makes me feel more alone. Because really no one else around me understands that specific type of grief right now that I feel. If only I could talk to her. I'd accept if she wouldn't come back to earth. If there was a heaven. If there was a way to communicate with her still now. I'd settle for that. Anything but this finality of death. I think I'm having an existential crisis. I miss her in so many different ways. I need her. I don't want to be without her. This wasn't supposed to happen. I feel so robbed. So cheated. She was taken from me. God it just hurts so bad. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

Tastyfrzz · 61-69, M

I have had this happen too. Kristin died of ovarian cancer in 2010. I cared for her daughter and youngest boy after she died.
Their dad had run off when the youngest was born. I've cried a rainbows worth of tears. It doesn't get exactly easier but life becomes more tolerable over time. ((Hugs))

Jinxie · 51-55, F

Be gentle and kind to yourself. You’re grieving, it takes times d there are stages of grief. You’ll fluctuate between them, totally normal. Keep talking. Find your support system and lean on them. Take as much time as you need.

Kodel · 26-30, M

Damn. I've had imaginings about losing a lover and I can imagine how I'd react at the loss. Sadly, I've never had a lover to lose.
I know that it's the last thing you want to hear right now and I hate when people tell me that I'll find someone much in the same sense. There is someone else out there. They won't be her and you shouldn't try to compare them to her. They will love you just as much as she did and she'd be happy knowing that you're in good hands while she's not around.