Most difficult time of my life
I needed somewhere relatively anonymous to share this and I chose this site, as I used to frequent it quite a lot when I was younger.
Cutting to the chase I have recently spiraled into a increasingly more crippling depression. I am 24 years old. I say that for context. For at least a decade or more I have been madly in love with a woman. We had a classic love story. Started as nothing. Found each other when neither of us were looking. Became friends then quickly best friends and in no time at all we fell for each other. It's been like that for all of these years. A truly never ending honeymoon phase. I had never experienced such pure euphoric joy and fulfillment in my life. Every facet of the relationship felt like a dream come true. We were settled. The future was bright. Ready to make our way in life long term. I only had eyes for her.
But then, tragedy struck. My love. She was hospitalized. So suddenly. June 28 2022. A day I will never forget for as long as I am fated to live this now sad lonely existence my life has been reduced to. My world came to a screeching halt. Everything I knew was no more. She remained in the hospital while I battled sleepless nights and catatonia. I am not a religious man. I got down on my knees and prayed to any higher power or deity there may be. Multiple times. Begging and pleading. But on July 10, she left this earth. In a blink of an eye my life changed forever. June 27, there we were that night. Laying in bed after making love. The calm serenity washing over us. The next morning...it happened. And my beloved, Didn't make it back.
I don't feel comfortable discussing details beyond that as I feel her health is personal information and I know if she were here, she would never want me to disclose such information. In retrospect, I've realized there may have been signs leading up to it that might have made it feel less abrupt. But regardless the point is she's gone. Much too soon. And there's many layers to why her death is so tragic. I'm merely scratching the surface. But it goes beyond even myself and my devastation. I take comfort in knowing that I was able to make her happy in what turned out to be her final years. But she deserved so much more and we were this close...to a better tomorrow.
It's been such a jarring disorienting experience. I feel like a widowed old man. Even despite my young age. I never expected this to happen. Of course I was as prepared for her to die one day. But not now. I'm verging now on inconsolable and complete nihilism. I feel like a shell of a shell of who I once was. I've been through break ups. This is 100x worse. Because she died as my love. Not as an ex. So I am not able to dissociate from her in my mind and turn myself against her and write her off as a remade stranger as I could if we had simply broken up. Instead I'm tortured day in and day out at the love that was lost.
When I say we were best friends I mean it. That was the foundation of our romantic connection. Our chemistry. We were inseparable. The passion between us burned as bright on the last day I was with her before it happened as it did the first time we made that jump from friends to lovers. We were together everyday all day. Without exaggeration. We would remark to each other how amazing it was that we never tired of each other. For so many years. And now I'm left behind. That's how it feels. If I had a guarantee of an afterlife I wouldn't be here right now. I have never felt so numb as I do right now. These 9 days. Everything from late June to now is absolute blur.
People keep underestimating what we had. They say to me she was just my first love. But she wasn't my first love. She was the truest love. I had loved before her. But once I fell for her I knew that those other women were no comparison. It's so hard to live now in a house full of endless reminders of her. Use a phone with so many text messages and call logs saved. Pictures. And there's virtually nothing I can turn to to distract my mind from the grief. Because everything that's me became her and vice versa. Especially music. There's no song, no television show, no movie, nothing that we didn't experience at some point together. Even our dog reminds me of her because of the bond the 3 of us had. It's the hardest at nights. Sleeping in a bed by myself. The sweet nothings whispered echoing in my ear. It's hard to even eat. Because we always decided on meals together. Marriage had been discussed. Children. Everything. She was the one. And now she's gone. Tell me how I find the will to live. I don't care who judges me for this. I will always love her.
Cutting to the chase I have recently spiraled into a increasingly more crippling depression. I am 24 years old. I say that for context. For at least a decade or more I have been madly in love with a woman. We had a classic love story. Started as nothing. Found each other when neither of us were looking. Became friends then quickly best friends and in no time at all we fell for each other. It's been like that for all of these years. A truly never ending honeymoon phase. I had never experienced such pure euphoric joy and fulfillment in my life. Every facet of the relationship felt like a dream come true. We were settled. The future was bright. Ready to make our way in life long term. I only had eyes for her.
But then, tragedy struck. My love. She was hospitalized. So suddenly. June 28 2022. A day I will never forget for as long as I am fated to live this now sad lonely existence my life has been reduced to. My world came to a screeching halt. Everything I knew was no more. She remained in the hospital while I battled sleepless nights and catatonia. I am not a religious man. I got down on my knees and prayed to any higher power or deity there may be. Multiple times. Begging and pleading. But on July 10, she left this earth. In a blink of an eye my life changed forever. June 27, there we were that night. Laying in bed after making love. The calm serenity washing over us. The next morning...it happened. And my beloved, Didn't make it back.
I don't feel comfortable discussing details beyond that as I feel her health is personal information and I know if she were here, she would never want me to disclose such information. In retrospect, I've realized there may have been signs leading up to it that might have made it feel less abrupt. But regardless the point is she's gone. Much too soon. And there's many layers to why her death is so tragic. I'm merely scratching the surface. But it goes beyond even myself and my devastation. I take comfort in knowing that I was able to make her happy in what turned out to be her final years. But she deserved so much more and we were this close...to a better tomorrow.
It's been such a jarring disorienting experience. I feel like a widowed old man. Even despite my young age. I never expected this to happen. Of course I was as prepared for her to die one day. But not now. I'm verging now on inconsolable and complete nihilism. I feel like a shell of a shell of who I once was. I've been through break ups. This is 100x worse. Because she died as my love. Not as an ex. So I am not able to dissociate from her in my mind and turn myself against her and write her off as a remade stranger as I could if we had simply broken up. Instead I'm tortured day in and day out at the love that was lost.
When I say we were best friends I mean it. That was the foundation of our romantic connection. Our chemistry. We were inseparable. The passion between us burned as bright on the last day I was with her before it happened as it did the first time we made that jump from friends to lovers. We were together everyday all day. Without exaggeration. We would remark to each other how amazing it was that we never tired of each other. For so many years. And now I'm left behind. That's how it feels. If I had a guarantee of an afterlife I wouldn't be here right now. I have never felt so numb as I do right now. These 9 days. Everything from late June to now is absolute blur.
People keep underestimating what we had. They say to me she was just my first love. But she wasn't my first love. She was the truest love. I had loved before her. But once I fell for her I knew that those other women were no comparison. It's so hard to live now in a house full of endless reminders of her. Use a phone with so many text messages and call logs saved. Pictures. And there's virtually nothing I can turn to to distract my mind from the grief. Because everything that's me became her and vice versa. Especially music. There's no song, no television show, no movie, nothing that we didn't experience at some point together. Even our dog reminds me of her because of the bond the 3 of us had. It's the hardest at nights. Sleeping in a bed by myself. The sweet nothings whispered echoing in my ear. It's hard to even eat. Because we always decided on meals together. Marriage had been discussed. Children. Everything. She was the one. And now she's gone. Tell me how I find the will to live. I don't care who judges me for this. I will always love her.
26-30, M
