Vanlife is over, depression is back full force

Holding my son, watching him sleep, I love him so much and I will continue to give all I can to make sure he is healthy and feeling silly.

Maybe someday someone will love me. Hopefully before I’m drained and dead. But not likely. I’m so tired of trying to meet people, tired of how it all goes wrong because I’m too kind, then I get drug through the dirt for putting my energy into my kid first. Nobody gives, nobody cares, they just want, they just take and they don’t care what it costs you.

I miss the van, I miss California and the beauty of enjoying life in the present. Coming back here just meant the same old pain. It’s back and it’s worse now. Starting to feel apathetic and exhausted to get through the day. But nobody is gonna help, nobody cares about us. They just come into your life to use you. Leave you broken in a bad place. Then people who also don’t really care tell you the same old cliché bullshit that never comes true. Nobody better comes along when you least expect it.

I’m tired. I’m gonna fkn die young because I had to do everything alone and I wore myself to nothing. I hate my son has to see it all go down. I wish he could see his mommy being loved and respected, but life is shit unless you’re pretty and likable.