I Have Depression Issues
I HATE feeling like this. Being constantly emotionally and physically drained. Constantly reminded of how UGLY and UNLOVABLE I am. Constantly reminded that people only use me like a child uses a toy: for some entertainment during periods of boredom before moving on without any regards of effects it can have.
I used to self harm, frankly the only reason why I don't now is because I simply don't have the energy to.
I don't have the energy to fight the world any more. I don't have the energy to fight my feelings. The anxiety I get doing simple things like having a shower is beyond ridiculous. I even have panic attacks when I feel happy and relaxed. I mean who lives like that? I don't know anyone else who's brain is so overloaded that they have psychogenic blackouts like I do. My body and mind just shut down, sometimes slowly like a mobile phone only having 5 minutes battery life left, other times sudden and quick like electrics being cut off in a blackout.
It hurts like I can't describe. I have a constant nauseous feeling, a crushing headache that won't go away. I felt better than this when I was with my ex and he was beating me every day.
Nothing ever helps to stop it. To ease this anguish and hatred I have inside. Like a constant screaming in my head. It's unfair that I am expected to just accept life as it is. I have no doubt that other people have harder lives at the moment but I have paid my dues. I deserve to be happy and pain free.
Therapy doesn't help, it only highlights everything wrong with me making me feel worse and the only things I can think of to ease any of this pressure I can't do.
I have never felt more lonely or depressed as I have done in the last 9 months. I wish people could truly understand. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.........
I used to self harm, frankly the only reason why I don't now is because I simply don't have the energy to.
I don't have the energy to fight the world any more. I don't have the energy to fight my feelings. The anxiety I get doing simple things like having a shower is beyond ridiculous. I even have panic attacks when I feel happy and relaxed. I mean who lives like that? I don't know anyone else who's brain is so overloaded that they have psychogenic blackouts like I do. My body and mind just shut down, sometimes slowly like a mobile phone only having 5 minutes battery life left, other times sudden and quick like electrics being cut off in a blackout.
It hurts like I can't describe. I have a constant nauseous feeling, a crushing headache that won't go away. I felt better than this when I was with my ex and he was beating me every day.
Nothing ever helps to stop it. To ease this anguish and hatred I have inside. Like a constant screaming in my head. It's unfair that I am expected to just accept life as it is. I have no doubt that other people have harder lives at the moment but I have paid my dues. I deserve to be happy and pain free.
Therapy doesn't help, it only highlights everything wrong with me making me feel worse and the only things I can think of to ease any of this pressure I can't do.
I have never felt more lonely or depressed as I have done in the last 9 months. I wish people could truly understand. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.........
36-40, F
