I Battle Self-hatred, Anxiety, And Depression

There are days that I can't look at myself. I hate myself..inside and out.I don't want to get out of bed,I'd rather just die. The world would be better off without my existence. I have 2 little girls that I love more than anything in the world and they keep me breathing.. But that doesn't make the struggle any less hard. Before I had my kids I did a lot of drugs, drank a lot, took a lot of pills and it made things better temporarily. I quit all that before my first pregnancy and I won't go back to it. I learned that cutting helps. It hurts nobody else and releases the pain. I stopped that too but I relapse occasionally. I don't let my kids see me hurt. I don't want them to know anything about this life. I want them to live in blissful ignorance for as long as possible. The doctors tell you "here, take these pills..oh that didn't work? Try these, and these.." Its just more drugs.. Nothing really takes it away. It just numbs the pain until you turn into a zombie.