I Battle Self-hatred, Anxiety, And Depression
Vented everything, and it was such a good text. I had really managed to put into words what I felt. Then accidentally deleted everything. One more thing to make me feel like shit about myself and make me cry...
Here goes take two...
Why am I never happy? Why do I have to always be upset about something? I'm always stressing out about the same shit. I never feel content anywhere. I was unhappy at my parents house. Now I moved in with another relative and I still don't feel happy.
I keep feeling that I need to live alone, to have my own place. What seems to often trigger my anxiety is not being able to be left alone when I want to, to take a nap in the middle of the day without fearing being judged, to not have the person I live with get moody and start bitching about stuff because I spent the day in my room instead of with them, to not have them comment in a way it almost sounds like criticism because I'm having dinner too late.
Maybe it's not critisism. Maybe I just see critism everywhere. Or maybe this is just my mom's voice in my head.
But I want the freedom of being able to do whatever I want when I want to do it.
I regret so much not making a bigger effort to get a job earlier because I let myself be swallowed by my anxiety and unhappiness and stubbornness. Now it makes me feel a despair when I don't hear a reply only a day after.
I keep venting and venting about the same shit, I keep complaining to my boyfriend and what he tells me makes sense. But then the next day is the same story all over again. I keep trying to stop myself from complaining to my boyfriend. I mean, who has the patience to hear the same complains over and over again, give the same advice and then the other person doesn't do what you tell them? I wouldn't.
I keep telling myself that living alone will solve everything. But I probably would end up oversleeping... But I want to believe it will be better.
I'm finally made an appointment to a therapist. But its weeks away. I can barely wait for it, I keep feeling anxious for it to come sooner. I hope he'll help.me.
Here goes take two...
Why am I never happy? Why do I have to always be upset about something? I'm always stressing out about the same shit. I never feel content anywhere. I was unhappy at my parents house. Now I moved in with another relative and I still don't feel happy.
I keep feeling that I need to live alone, to have my own place. What seems to often trigger my anxiety is not being able to be left alone when I want to, to take a nap in the middle of the day without fearing being judged, to not have the person I live with get moody and start bitching about stuff because I spent the day in my room instead of with them, to not have them comment in a way it almost sounds like criticism because I'm having dinner too late.
Maybe it's not critisism. Maybe I just see critism everywhere. Or maybe this is just my mom's voice in my head.
But I want the freedom of being able to do whatever I want when I want to do it.
I regret so much not making a bigger effort to get a job earlier because I let myself be swallowed by my anxiety and unhappiness and stubbornness. Now it makes me feel a despair when I don't hear a reply only a day after.
I keep venting and venting about the same shit, I keep complaining to my boyfriend and what he tells me makes sense. But then the next day is the same story all over again. I keep trying to stop myself from complaining to my boyfriend. I mean, who has the patience to hear the same complains over and over again, give the same advice and then the other person doesn't do what you tell them? I wouldn't.
I keep telling myself that living alone will solve everything. But I probably would end up oversleeping... But I want to believe it will be better.
I'm finally made an appointment to a therapist. But its weeks away. I can barely wait for it, I keep feeling anxious for it to come sooner. I hope he'll help.me.
31-35, F
