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I Battle Self-hatred, Anxiety, And Depression

Vented everything, and it was such a good text. I had really managed to put into words what I felt. Then accidentally deleted everything. One more thing to make me feel like shit about myself and make me cry...
Here goes take two...

Why am I never happy? Why do I have to always be upset about something? I'm always stressing out about the same shit. I never feel content anywhere. I was unhappy at my parents house. Now I moved in with another relative and I still don't feel happy.
I keep feeling that I need to live alone, to have my own place. What seems to often trigger my anxiety is not being able to be left alone when I want to, to take a nap in the middle of the day without fearing being judged, to not have the person I live with get moody and start bitching about stuff because I spent the day in my room instead of with them, to not have them comment in a way it almost sounds like criticism because I'm having dinner too late.
Maybe it's not critisism. Maybe I just see critism everywhere. Or maybe this is just my mom's voice in my head.
But I want the freedom of being able to do whatever I want when I want to do it.
I regret so much not making a bigger effort to get a job earlier because I let myself be swallowed by my anxiety and unhappiness and stubbornness. Now it makes me feel a despair when I don't hear a reply only a day after.
I keep venting and venting about the same shit, I keep complaining to my boyfriend and what he tells me makes sense. But then the next day is the same story all over again. I keep trying to stop myself from complaining to my boyfriend. I mean, who has the patience to hear the same complains over and over again, give the same advice and then the other person doesn't do what you tell them? I wouldn't.
I keep telling myself that living alone will solve everything. But I probably would end up oversleeping... But I want to believe it will be better.
I'm finally made an appointment to a therapist. But its weeks away. I can barely wait for it, I keep feeling anxious for it to come sooner. I hope he'll help.me.
You'll be fine, i'm 24 and i've felt very similar to you for the longest time. I wish i'd have gotten a job earlier too, but iv'e always had anxiety and depression like you so i know how hard it can be to stop procrastinating and actually make a change. The thing is, it's our anxiety that rewards us for not doing the thing that causes it to exist...funny huh. So in order for it to sustain its own existence you have to listen to it. Once you stop feeding it, it withers away.

CBT therapy helped me, and i think some form of therapy would help you too :)
puts things in perspective, best of luck to you.
escapemyreality · 31-35, F
Thank you! I struggle a lot with explaining that feeling of not being able to stop procrastinating. I feel like I just look like I'm making excuses and am lazy and that other people will think that.
I know I have to stop feeding my anxiety. My boyfriend tried to help just recently. And funnily enough only today my grandma was being a bit anxious too and told her something very similar. But I seem to be always be better at giving other people advice, instead of following it.
Btw, what is CBT therapy?
Cognitive behavioural therapy, it's finding the pathways and triggers for your thoughts and where they originate from. So you can identify them and change them using grounding techniques.
It helped me control my negative thought patterns and stop them when they started.
I know it sucks when you feel like people think you're making excuses, because then you start feeling guilty about it and it just leads to feeling even worse about it and thus continuing the cycle.

Haha why do you think i'm here giving people advice...
thinkincubes · 41-45
Getting help was a big step, now it's important to keep getting help. If you don't like the therapist, find another one. These are tough problems to handle, you want as many people in your corner as possible, preferably professionals.
escapemyreality · 31-35, F
I hope so. My mom has a profound hate for therapist. It's why it took me so long to get the courage to find one. I've been to one before, in secret, but was of no help. I hope this new one really is better.
SW-User
Omg you will he okay

 
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