I Am Depressed
I don't know when it started. About 3 years ago, I met this guy. I fell in love with him almost immediately, but I don't think he liked me that much. Before him, I didn't even believe in love, but I fell for him and I never got up.
Anyway, we made it work. There were some good days - when he was around me, everything was perfect. He made all my problems go away. I don't think I have ever been happier. He made me feel everything in extremes - I was happier than I had ever been, but I should have known that when the happiness went away, I would feel sadder than I had ever felt.
Maybe I got too clingy. And the more clingy I got, the more distant he got. I can't count how many times I broke up with him and he was just okay. Then I called him back and I apologized and we were cool again. But the fights got longer... and I got more obsessive. Some days were harder than others. Sometimes I spent weekends crying in bed. Some days I convinced myself that we were over, and then I called him and we were right back where we started. Sometimes I thought I was over him, but I was only lying to myself.My life was harder when he was not in it ... anxiety, panic and fear all the time. And I was always on the verge of crying.
Then he came back and everything was okay. And then another fight... and the cycle continued.
Corona virus hit my country while we were in the middle of a fight. He left my place one day while I was at work, and he hasn't been able to come back. At first he said he wanted space. We didn't talk for a week and I couldn't take it anymore. It's hardest for me when we can't see each other. Because he's able to play video games and forget about me - and I watch my phone and wait for him to call... text. It's pathetic.
A few weeks ago, the depression started to get worse. I was constantly anxious and I found my self crying frequently. At first every other day, then every day, then every couple of hours. I want to be normal. But it seems I can't do it. It started to affect my work. I can't concentrate. He says I'm here for you, but whenever I call he's in the middle of something. Sometimes he makes time and we talk, and it's okay. It makes me feel better, but then the next day comes along and he doesn't have time and I'm back in my darkness.
I know I'm being needy, and clingy... but I have been in this house for over a month because of the lock down, and I can't go anywhere and he's the only person I want to talk to. But he has other things to do and I'm supposed to understand that.
A few days ago I cut myself. I was afraid at first but then I thought if I do it it'll bring me back to my senses. Like a slap in the face. It didn't. I did it again last night. And today. I took pictures and sent them to him. It was creepy. At first he was freaked out, he talked to me and made me promise not to do it again. But then the third time he was just angry. He deleted the picture without even looking at it. Which was probably good because that cut was deep - I had to bandage it up to stop the bleeding.
Of course I'm the crazy one, no question about that. And what I did was creepy and he would be right to just block me forever. But I don't know how to be normal again. Everything hurts. Every night I go to bed and think - maybe this is the worst, it'll get better. But it always gets worse. I hate that he never puts me first. He always has something else going on, and when that thing is over, maybe he will talk to me.
Maybe he's just not really into me. Maybe I'm just too clingy. I know I'm crazy. But I'm in pain. And I just want to go to bed and wake up 3 years later and all this is in the past.
Anyway, we made it work. There were some good days - when he was around me, everything was perfect. He made all my problems go away. I don't think I have ever been happier. He made me feel everything in extremes - I was happier than I had ever been, but I should have known that when the happiness went away, I would feel sadder than I had ever felt.
Maybe I got too clingy. And the more clingy I got, the more distant he got. I can't count how many times I broke up with him and he was just okay. Then I called him back and I apologized and we were cool again. But the fights got longer... and I got more obsessive. Some days were harder than others. Sometimes I spent weekends crying in bed. Some days I convinced myself that we were over, and then I called him and we were right back where we started. Sometimes I thought I was over him, but I was only lying to myself.My life was harder when he was not in it ... anxiety, panic and fear all the time. And I was always on the verge of crying.
Then he came back and everything was okay. And then another fight... and the cycle continued.
Corona virus hit my country while we were in the middle of a fight. He left my place one day while I was at work, and he hasn't been able to come back. At first he said he wanted space. We didn't talk for a week and I couldn't take it anymore. It's hardest for me when we can't see each other. Because he's able to play video games and forget about me - and I watch my phone and wait for him to call... text. It's pathetic.
A few weeks ago, the depression started to get worse. I was constantly anxious and I found my self crying frequently. At first every other day, then every day, then every couple of hours. I want to be normal. But it seems I can't do it. It started to affect my work. I can't concentrate. He says I'm here for you, but whenever I call he's in the middle of something. Sometimes he makes time and we talk, and it's okay. It makes me feel better, but then the next day comes along and he doesn't have time and I'm back in my darkness.
I know I'm being needy, and clingy... but I have been in this house for over a month because of the lock down, and I can't go anywhere and he's the only person I want to talk to. But he has other things to do and I'm supposed to understand that.
A few days ago I cut myself. I was afraid at first but then I thought if I do it it'll bring me back to my senses. Like a slap in the face. It didn't. I did it again last night. And today. I took pictures and sent them to him. It was creepy. At first he was freaked out, he talked to me and made me promise not to do it again. But then the third time he was just angry. He deleted the picture without even looking at it. Which was probably good because that cut was deep - I had to bandage it up to stop the bleeding.
Of course I'm the crazy one, no question about that. And what I did was creepy and he would be right to just block me forever. But I don't know how to be normal again. Everything hurts. Every night I go to bed and think - maybe this is the worst, it'll get better. But it always gets worse. I hate that he never puts me first. He always has something else going on, and when that thing is over, maybe he will talk to me.
Maybe he's just not really into me. Maybe I'm just too clingy. I know I'm crazy. But I'm in pain. And I just want to go to bed and wake up 3 years later and all this is in the past.
31-35, F
