I Battle Depression

I'm going to try to tell my story the best i can. I cannot honestly remember when it started. I'm 33 now. My earliest consistent memories peak at about 8 or 9. But then I can remember feeling like shit. I didn't know how to communicate what I was feeling back then. I think it's worse when you are a kid. You aren't supposed to be used to or going through pain. But I knew something was wrong. I tried to communicate with my parents. But it fell on deaf ears. So that was probably around the time I started feel my earliest feelings of desperation, loneliness, isolation, hopelessness. I can remember the symptoms i felt back then. And they still repeat this way to this day. Only difference is.. im more damaged now. My early teen year. I picked up smoking weed and popping pills to cover up and mask my pain thinking this was cool and this was fun. I kept myself so busy that I didn't want to feel the pain i buried underneath. Well from then, I wish I had that parental love and care. Maybe if my parents had caught it when I young. Maybe I would have made better life choices. These are some of the things I feel when I am going through an episode. I feel like I am nothing. That I am unworthy of love. Or support. That I deserve the horrible things I have experienced. I am not exaggerating when I say that every person, including my parents, family, friends, ex's have turnt their back on me and hurt me. So deeply. That's where my feelings come from. I have wondered if there is something wrong with me? Why do people treat me like this if they say they love you. Why do they hurt you and leave you out? I am trying to make some sense of how I got this way. Maybe I always been this way. But my depression has evolved for my entire life due to one traumatic experience after the other. But somehow I am functional. I am very much a depressive. And depression effects everyone differently. But I can force myself to do things that need to be done. But I slump. I lack energy. Or enthusiasm. Most if not all the activities I once enjoyed are gone. I know somewhere in my head I had wanted to do something to try to make a change in my life. A month ago, someone close to me was murdered. So that put me in a deep spiral of depression. This isn't the first time I have went through this. This is what depression has done to me. I forgot how to date. How to have a relationship. I can't form meaning relationships because of what I mentioned above. I'm scared as hell to try. Even if a woman that feels me just as I do her. I sabotage it before it has a chance to go somewhere. But I am functional enough to take care of my kids and make sure they have everything I need. So I bury myself in doing parents stuff. I've had too many apathetic moments this past month. It took some hard work. But I finally got a couple people to understand a little bit about depression. Instead of yelling and screaming at me when I can't move because I lost feeling in my body and i cant move because it's hard as hell to. Talking like this does help some. My apathetic episode just past. I just wanted to share my thoughts and feelings. Thank you.