I Randomly Get Depressed

This year I just want to be happy. I dont want to deal with this randomly getting sad. I don't want to deal with people leaving. I dont want to deal with the loneliness. I just want to smile. I want to have friends. I dont want to be used. Or thrown away when I am no longer needed. I want true friends. Not to be replaceable and only talked to when someone is having a horrible day and just wants to vent for 45 minutes. I want to have conversations even if sometimes I dont know what to say. I want my eyes to be clear of tears. And my arms free of cuts. I want to be happy. I want this to be a good year and not like the rest of the years. I want all the people who hurt and left and used me to realize what they did. I want to find people who are patient with me and dont get angry I am sad. Who dont get mad at me for being depressed then turn around and talk about whats bothering them. I just want to be happy.

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CC67219 · 41-45, F

Only you can dictate having what you want.
Have you been to the doctor about the depression?
I can tell you from experience, its usually hormonal and has a lot to do with the foods we eat.
I quite eating gluten started st johns wort.... it definitely helped.

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CC67219 · 41-45, F

@nekokitten jerks.
My instead of a General Practitioner or MD have you tried a holistic doctor?
I know it sounds wonky but you have to try. Especially, if you really mean what you say about wanting those things you wrote about.

nekokitten · 22-25, F

@CC67219 The thing is. Yeah part of being happy starts with yourself. But if you don't have people around you who care enough to be supportive and patient with you. Then you are stuck. Doctors cant always help. I need people to stand behind me not necessary understand what i am going through but at least try to be there. I can do everything in my power to be happy but if people are going to make everything I am happy about seem like nothing. I will only go backwards. I can be happy. But if i try to tell anyone about it or I try to be proud of it and someone tells me its stupid or selfish. Its not going to help with it. And before anyone says cut those people out of your life. If i cut them out I am alone and thus leads to another issue. I can't be happy if I am alone. In solitude. So its not just hormones and food. Its people. Its not all my fault. So what I am saying is I hope this year I can find people who care. So when I am happy about something I can talk about it. I can show it. And not be dismissed. Sorry this is so long. I don't know if you or anyone really care. Just need a place to speak my mind a little.

CC67219 · 41-45, F

I see and understand. I understand so well.... I am alone. Except for my dogs, my job, my teen boys who sometimes forget I'm their mother.
I did it.... you can too.
Painful. Yes. Scary. Absolutely. Liberating. Beyond a doubt.
I dictate who gets to come in and out of my life now and all those feelings abate.
It takes courage and ya know courage doesnt mean the absence of all those feelings, it just means we move ahead inspite of them.
So.... what do really want?
It took me until almost 40 to do what you have the chance to do now.... dont let them eat away at your best years. Dont let them keep hurting you. Definitely dont let them be the filters that you see the rest of your life through.

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