I Battle Depression

well ....here i am.... still alive. another day i regretfully survived. they say thank God that i didnt die. but all i can ask God is why? im tired of living im tired of false hope. im tired of people thinking that im some joke. too many yeses theres no pleasing these folks. their whole persona changes when i tell em nope. why do it feel like my life is cursed? i feel theres no reason for my birth. i hate myself i have no worth. i dont care to live on planet earth. all i want is to feel important. but instead i wish my parents had an abortion. i grew up a screw up, thats my misfortune. let it all out. no! instead i will tell only a portion. will i feel better if i go to a therapy session? i know that i have built in anger and aggression . i constantly battle depression and to die is my suggestion. are you willing to help me after im done with my confession. i get told theres others who have it worse ..dont you think i know that?! you expect for me to be happy and content with me knowing that fact! i know most think a brain is something that i lack. im just sick and tired of failing when i try to improve my stats. so far i most likely will not get married. ill have no child to proudly carry. im single, im alone until i am buried. i guess a love life is unnecessary. God can i just please cease to exist. that is a prayer not just some wish. im done asking for any positive assist. these negative thoughts are hard to resist.

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

kimmy159 · F

I've been through 5 years of depression, a year of therapy, 2 years of different meds only to conclude that there aren't any real solutions or answers for it.
My own problem is that I don't see the purpose of life. And people who do just seem like they desperately want to "invent some purpose to follow and convince themselves that this should be it".
And whenever I don't see the point of something, I simply don't want to do it.
Why do I have to get up for work every day and make money monthly to have to give it away to things and then repeat it all over again and again. Why do we have to blend in to society and contribute, meet people, build up to something. I wonder at what point we stopped living and are being lived instead.

I tried talking to friends about it, but they don't really understand it. I just have this constant feeling that I never wanted to live, like it's one of those "unwanted gifts you get for Christmas and have to pretend to be happy about it and smile."

But... I don't want to hurt the people who surround me by giving up. The one and only thing that I do find meaningful is giving my time to other people.
Seeing them smile, knowing that I added to that, that's the most meaningful thing I could find so far.

That being said, I'm here for you if you want to talk about it.

And @Disturbed12 , I'll be there for you too <3 Whenever you feel like you can't cope, just send me a message and I'll always do my best :-)) ~

Disturbed12 · 26-30, M

@kimmy159 I've got shivers while reading your comment, Kimberly! Why does your story match so much with mine? Only difference is I didn't go through therapy. A few of my friends would understand that I am being sad and unhappy. But the inner thoughts that are storming my mind was never understood. I am like a outsider to the normal world.

I'm at your service too. Anything to help at any time! I'm in. 🙌

kimmy159 · F

@Disturbed12 I especially appreciate chocolate services ;p

Heheh jk ^^

Theraphy was a huge waste of time and money for me looking back at it now. My therapist kept trying to look for reasons as to why I felt depressed. It was emotionally so draining that I balanced on the edge of non-functioning at the time. I usually felt worse when I left there than when I got there because she would make me dig into those feelings rather than repressing them.
I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. I just felt like depression was starting to control me instead by doing so.
After a year, she still couldn't determine what the reason was for my depression loose from me repeating over and over that I just don't see a purpose to anything, that nothing really excites me in life and that little things motivate me. She couldn't believe that people could just be depressed without some deeper kind of reason.

Idk, I still don't know how I feel about it ^^
I just know that it's better if I repress it as much as I can.

Disturbed12 · 26-30, M

@kimmy159 I'm just glad (and proud) that you're doing better on your own. That therapy sounds like a horrible experience. And a whole year you had to go through it! I am telling, you yourself are a better therapist than her!

Cali01 · 36-40, M

@kimmy159 yeah i like to goof around and i use to hide it really well but people that know me are startinv to notice. right now im stuck in a hotel due to a temporary job transfer. im far away from friends and i just cant make new friends. so im just here alone with my thoughts the majority of the time.