I Battle Depression

well ....here i am.... still alive. another day i regretfully survived. they say thank God that i didnt die. but all i can ask God is why? im tired of living im tired of false hope. im tired of people thinking that im some joke. too many yeses theres no pleasing these folks. their whole persona changes when i tell em nope. why do it feel like my life is cursed? i feel theres no reason for my birth. i hate myself i have no worth. i dont care to live on planet earth. all i want is to feel important. but instead i wish my parents had an abortion. i grew up a screw up, thats my misfortune. let it all out. no! instead i will tell only a portion. will i feel better if i go to a therapy session? i know that i have built in anger and aggression . i constantly battle depression and to die is my suggestion. are you willing to help me after im done with my confession. i get told theres others who have it worse ..dont you think i know that?! you expect for me to be happy and content with me knowing that fact! i know most think a brain is something that i lack. im just sick and tired of failing when i try to improve my stats. so far i most likely will not get married. ill have no child to proudly carry. im single, im alone until i am buried. i guess a love life is unnecessary. God can i just please cease to exist. that is a prayer not just some wish. im done asking for any positive assist. these negative thoughts are hard to resist.

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Disturbed12 · 26-30, M

You know, you've completely described me. I often feel like it'd be far better if I never existed! It's a terrible curse. But at least we are both at the same road, so I can empathize with you. The thing is nothing is going to miraculously change our conditions. Depression is very real. The utter feeling of self-hatred is enough to drive a man crazy. Everything I do ends up badly. Everywhere I go, problems happen. Every time I love, I get heartbroken. I have no girlfriend. I feel like nobody loves me. I am like a speck of a dust, or even less important. I don't matter to anyone. I feel terrible all the time. I feel unbelievable hatred towards me. I have no confidence, it has reached to level zero.

BUT I AM STILL ALIVE. STILL GOING. STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE "WHY". AND I WANT YOU TO DO THE SAME.

I don't believe in god. Doesn't matter if he's really up there, cause he doesn't care. Don't ask anything to him. We were told from our young ages that we deserve this, we deserve that, we should have this, we should have that. But should we actually? Our depressions come from the needs and wishes of us. "We need to match ourselves with other people's lives and luxuries", that's what we were taught. Oh come on, no one is bound to anyone. Other people matter little to us. We lack personification. From today, stop looking at other people's life. Stop looking for appreciation from them. Take a walk outside, think only about yourself. Forget comfortableness, forget happiness, let go of everything from the past. You will start your new journey from today. Start by loving yourself. You are most important to yourself.

Start helping others (which I'm trying to do at present). Just give money to homeless persons. Help an old people to get across the road. Help a young people by giving good advice. Help a depressed person by telling him everything's gonna be okay and you love him. Help a dog, help a driver. Help anyone. You'll feel satisfaction. You'll feel important. Get busy helping others, you will find your meaning. Be nice to people. Think of making someone's day better rather than thinking how bad your days are going.

Don't go after happiness. It's not permanent. Go after peace. Make peace with your mind. Accept the things you can't change, have the courage to change the things you can. Accept your condition. Accept that it's okay to be sad and depressed. It's not a crime. Then everything will fall into pieces. And you will be at peace.

BEST OF LUCK (to you and me both).

Cali01 · 36-40, M

@Disturbed12 i believe in God and i know theres one, im just not religious. theres been some close calls where i shouldnt be alive...but what for? why not just let me die if im gonna keep living like this. ive got friends that tries to help me through it and it only helps temporarily but its gotten worse. i joke around, help people out and its getting harder to hide the pain i even get tired of people in general. all i do is get up and repeat the same boring cycle. i dont even like doing my hobbies anymore im just ready for everything to end. im trying to hold it together.

Disturbed12 · 26-30, M

@Cali01 If you believe in god, then instead of wishing your life to end, why don't you pray to him to make it better for you? Hoping for the worst wouldn't bring anything good, you know. Everything is not going to change in one day. You have to work on your issues. At first you have to change your pessimistic views. When something is wrong, you are putting too much blame on yourself. You have to have hope no matter how dark it seems. Yes, there is so much pain. Endure it. There is a saying: [c=#003BB2]We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. All that we are is the result of what we have thought. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.[/c] If you think that you can't, you can't. You have to believe (or at least pretend to believe) that you can do this, you can do that. Then your mind will get confident. Make a routine, a long plan. Start working on your issues. Give time and love to yourself. You have to love yourself to get the love from others. You think that nobody's going to marry you and so you give up on that? Never give up.

Don't worry about the future. Don't overthink on the past. The present is here. Only right now is real.

And a song here if you may like:
[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKSRyLdjsPA]

Cali01 · 36-40, M

im actually a lil better. i just got caught up in my thoughts. i have too much time to myself. i get what youre saying a believe me i tried all of that. praying(well im not the best at having faith in God either. i know hes there but i also know that God dont always say yes, one of those annoying test i get pht through). i tried staying posistive but everytime theres bit of relief, it hits me out of nowhere, its almost like im bipolar.

Disturbed12 · 26-30, M

@Cali01 Stay strong man. Whenever you feel low just talk to somebody. I am here too, give a knock whenever you need a talk.

Cali01 · 36-40, M

@Disturbed12 im here for you too. listening to others helps keep my mind off myself.