I Fight Depression and Loneliness Everyday

So I don't expect anyone to really read this or reply, but what the hell I'll share part of my story anyway. I've battled depression for about 20 years now, though it wasn't until 2016 when it really became worse. I guess it just suddenly hit me that I've pretty much ruined my life, and that I felt completely alone. I've always been shy and afraid to talk to people, though it wasn't until recently that I learned it was most likely social anxiety. When you already feel so alone that's bad enough on it's own, but when you're afraid to talk to people then it just makes it so much worse.

I've tried making friends online, and have made a couple of really great friends, but it's not really a loneliness of not having friends that bothers me so much. I've wanted someone special in my life for a while now, but feel I will never and can never have it. I've had a couple chances at something online, though I ended up letting my own problems get in the way. It makes me wonder if I ever can truly be happy. I mean I feel like the loneliness leads to the worst of the depression, but the depression just ruins any chance of being with someone, so it's like I'm just stuck in an endless loop.

I try to be kind and caring, respectful and polite, and have even had several people online tell me that I would be good for someone but obviously I can't believe that if no one seems willing to even give me a real chance. That feeling of being alone, unwanted, and unloved hurts me more than anything ever has or ever will.

I want to share a poem I wrote a few months ago as well, it's just a reflection of my inner thoughts and feelings so maybe it will say more than what I've actually typed out here.

I have a big problem, though I don't even know where to start
It feels as if there's a giant hole deep inside of my heart
Even though it feels empty, it's also as heavy as a stone
Most likely it's from this horrible feeling of being alone
No matter how much it hurts, it's a feeling I simply hide
With this pain on the inside, it feels as though I've died

All I want is to feel loved, but it's something I've never felt
Now I'm starting to think it isn't in the cards I was dealt
When it comes to being alone, I feel as if I'm just cursed
And I don't think it's a feeling that will ever be reversed
I really wish I could lift this curse, and finally feel free
Though I think being alone is the way I'm meant to be

I look for that special someone, but I know I'll never find anyone
So I've come to the point where I've given up, and I'm just done
Never will I have a girlfriend, and there's no chance of a wife
I'm cursed to be alone, and it seems that's how I will spend life
Doesn't matter what I try, nothing will make things right
I'm tired of being alone, so I've given up this fight