I Have Depression Stories
I'm 22 year-old woman. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 16 and I fought so hard with myself and the world to get better for years, I would go to the doctor when needed, I would take my pills as prescribed, and I would do anything the psychologist would say, and it didn't work. I tried for almost three years and it didn't work. I'd still self harm, and those silly suicidal thoughts wouldn't go away.
Then a miracle happened, when I was 19 I met the only person I have ever loved in my life, and certainly the only person who's loved me back.
I fell in love with him in such impossible way that it was fantastic, he kept me busy from thinking about how dark my life was. For long periods of time all I could think about was him and his past, his present and even a future with him. He liked me, then he loved me, but somehow he stopped loving me, just like that. He left me a year after we met. And at first there was a lot of crying, but then I accepted it. He is 10 years older than me, of course it was not going to work. But then it was ok. Of course I didn't stop loving him as soon as he did. It took me months. I have a notebook full of things I wrote about him until a year ago when I decided to stop that and move on as well.
And I did, I moved on, I can proudly admit I don't love him anymore. But one truly sad thing I discovered was that he was the only one who made me forget about how it all was in my life. How sad and blue.
A few weeks ago I started gaining weight out of nowhere. I started crying over pretty much everything, my suicidal thoughts came back, and all of a sudden I realized how lonely and empty my life actually is.
I graduated from college in february. I got a job on that same month, I was lucky, I felt lucky, but I work from 8 am to 7 pm from monday to friday and some saturdays, so I don't get to live in the real world for long. I spent my whole day in a small office, with no one but myself and my boss. I want to quit but I'm broke and I also need that experience.
When I get home at night, there are no messages or calls waiting for me to tell them how my day was. There is no one I can tell how ugly or bad was my day. Nothing. Just emptiness. Just watch tv, sleep, go to work and repeat.
Friends you may be asking. None. There was this good friend from high school, but she got a boyfriend three years ago and we barely talk now. When I ask her to go eat or have a drink, she's always busy because of him. And in college I had this other wonderful friend, but she got a job and a boyfriend and guess what. Puff. She totally forgot about me. She didn't even tell me about her boyfriend. I found that out thanks to her Instagram posts.
Family maybe. Well, yes and no. I love my parents, they love me. I live with them! But I see them two hours a day. When I get home they're too tired, or the conversations are simply too empty. I don't tell them how sad I am inside, and they barely tell me anything. My brothers, both of them are married and they have this amazing life I will never have.
So there you go, not a loved one, no friends, a job I dislike and a family I don't talk to.
Depression has officially come back.
All these nights all I've done is crying and thinking how easy it would be to just end it all. There is nothing to hold on to. The future seems so hopeless and empty. I stopped looking forward to it.
Sadness is all I am.
Just like my favorite songwriter says: It's not one thing or the other, it's all things all at once...
Then a miracle happened, when I was 19 I met the only person I have ever loved in my life, and certainly the only person who's loved me back.
I fell in love with him in such impossible way that it was fantastic, he kept me busy from thinking about how dark my life was. For long periods of time all I could think about was him and his past, his present and even a future with him. He liked me, then he loved me, but somehow he stopped loving me, just like that. He left me a year after we met. And at first there was a lot of crying, but then I accepted it. He is 10 years older than me, of course it was not going to work. But then it was ok. Of course I didn't stop loving him as soon as he did. It took me months. I have a notebook full of things I wrote about him until a year ago when I decided to stop that and move on as well.
And I did, I moved on, I can proudly admit I don't love him anymore. But one truly sad thing I discovered was that he was the only one who made me forget about how it all was in my life. How sad and blue.
A few weeks ago I started gaining weight out of nowhere. I started crying over pretty much everything, my suicidal thoughts came back, and all of a sudden I realized how lonely and empty my life actually is.
I graduated from college in february. I got a job on that same month, I was lucky, I felt lucky, but I work from 8 am to 7 pm from monday to friday and some saturdays, so I don't get to live in the real world for long. I spent my whole day in a small office, with no one but myself and my boss. I want to quit but I'm broke and I also need that experience.
When I get home at night, there are no messages or calls waiting for me to tell them how my day was. There is no one I can tell how ugly or bad was my day. Nothing. Just emptiness. Just watch tv, sleep, go to work and repeat.
Friends you may be asking. None. There was this good friend from high school, but she got a boyfriend three years ago and we barely talk now. When I ask her to go eat or have a drink, she's always busy because of him. And in college I had this other wonderful friend, but she got a job and a boyfriend and guess what. Puff. She totally forgot about me. She didn't even tell me about her boyfriend. I found that out thanks to her Instagram posts.
Family maybe. Well, yes and no. I love my parents, they love me. I live with them! But I see them two hours a day. When I get home they're too tired, or the conversations are simply too empty. I don't tell them how sad I am inside, and they barely tell me anything. My brothers, both of them are married and they have this amazing life I will never have.
So there you go, not a loved one, no friends, a job I dislike and a family I don't talk to.
Depression has officially come back.
All these nights all I've done is crying and thinking how easy it would be to just end it all. There is nothing to hold on to. The future seems so hopeless and empty. I stopped looking forward to it.
Sadness is all I am.
Just like my favorite songwriter says: It's not one thing or the other, it's all things all at once...
