I Fight Depression and Loneliness Everyday
I needed to write.
First of all, I am so happy (and relieved) that Experience Project has made a resurrection as Similar Worlds. Experience Project was an outlet for me when I needed it most, when I couldn't confide in anyone close to me, when I was scared to talk about what bothered me most - I could write to my circle on EP.
I have no idea where they are now, or whether or not they have found Similar Worlds, but I'd like to wish them well. At some point, I hope we reconnect. Until then, I wish them the best, happiness, love and peace.
But the most important thing that has happened to me since the years I first wrote on EP, is that I have grown. I have dropped heavy baggage that weighed me down. I stopped caring about people's opinions, and I have allowed myself the space to be me. I am still a work in progress, but each day has gotten better. When I reached out in this community, I was at my lowest point. It was a very dark time for me. I was lonely, depressed, friendless, fledgling in the world trying to grasp to my sanity. I was rejected, heartbroken, and wounded in so many ways that EP was a sense of comfort for me. I needed the outlet desperately. For many people, it was recreational, but for me, it was necessary. It was cathartic. It was a safe space. It was a haven from a bitter and cynical chapter of my life. I am thankful for the refuge it provided.
I have managed to cope with a lot of my issues - from struggles of depression to self-acceptance. I did some growing up. My 20s are done. I do not miss them, but I find myself reflecting on missed time - those missed opportunities that I could have had. I can't change time - I know that. But a part of me just wonders, what I could have done. I did find a job, stressful as it is, and I am glad for the work as it is a distraction from harping on certain feelings. As a result, I learned to let go. But I am having trouble moving forward. I feel as though every decision is cementing my future. The days of re-doing actions are over, and as I live and breathe, the choices I make are surely making the life I will lead. If I am not happy, if I am not fulfilled, what do I do? Do I scream? Do I stop? The train keeps trekking and I don't think a station is nearby. I still feel that nagging feeling of not being enough - just not being adequate. Like I'm discounted or halved. Sometimes, I still get up in the middle of the night, short of breath, and wonder if I will be alone for the rest of my life, having lived life a lone for so long. And then I think how no one special has been there for me. How no one has been there to be that solace. It's not as though I am looking for the love of my life. But at this age, and for being alone so long, and not having a net of relationships to guide me, I am lost. It's not the end of the world. I still have love from family and friends. I have accepted my appearance. I'm not going to be anyone's first choice. They were made years ago. And here I am left alone on the line like the kid picked last in elementary school. I won't throw a pity party - not me. I won't sink to this self-deprecation. I won't. I will not. I sometimes just wonder if I will be enough for someone.
First of all, I am so happy (and relieved) that Experience Project has made a resurrection as Similar Worlds. Experience Project was an outlet for me when I needed it most, when I couldn't confide in anyone close to me, when I was scared to talk about what bothered me most - I could write to my circle on EP.
I have no idea where they are now, or whether or not they have found Similar Worlds, but I'd like to wish them well. At some point, I hope we reconnect. Until then, I wish them the best, happiness, love and peace.
But the most important thing that has happened to me since the years I first wrote on EP, is that I have grown. I have dropped heavy baggage that weighed me down. I stopped caring about people's opinions, and I have allowed myself the space to be me. I am still a work in progress, but each day has gotten better. When I reached out in this community, I was at my lowest point. It was a very dark time for me. I was lonely, depressed, friendless, fledgling in the world trying to grasp to my sanity. I was rejected, heartbroken, and wounded in so many ways that EP was a sense of comfort for me. I needed the outlet desperately. For many people, it was recreational, but for me, it was necessary. It was cathartic. It was a safe space. It was a haven from a bitter and cynical chapter of my life. I am thankful for the refuge it provided.
I have managed to cope with a lot of my issues - from struggles of depression to self-acceptance. I did some growing up. My 20s are done. I do not miss them, but I find myself reflecting on missed time - those missed opportunities that I could have had. I can't change time - I know that. But a part of me just wonders, what I could have done. I did find a job, stressful as it is, and I am glad for the work as it is a distraction from harping on certain feelings. As a result, I learned to let go. But I am having trouble moving forward. I feel as though every decision is cementing my future. The days of re-doing actions are over, and as I live and breathe, the choices I make are surely making the life I will lead. If I am not happy, if I am not fulfilled, what do I do? Do I scream? Do I stop? The train keeps trekking and I don't think a station is nearby. I still feel that nagging feeling of not being enough - just not being adequate. Like I'm discounted or halved. Sometimes, I still get up in the middle of the night, short of breath, and wonder if I will be alone for the rest of my life, having lived life a lone for so long. And then I think how no one special has been there for me. How no one has been there to be that solace. It's not as though I am looking for the love of my life. But at this age, and for being alone so long, and not having a net of relationships to guide me, I am lost. It's not the end of the world. I still have love from family and friends. I have accepted my appearance. I'm not going to be anyone's first choice. They were made years ago. And here I am left alone on the line like the kid picked last in elementary school. I won't throw a pity party - not me. I won't sink to this self-deprecation. I won't. I will not. I sometimes just wonder if I will be enough for someone.
36-40, M
