I Fight Depression and Loneliness Everyday
Every year, I feel worse. I see people happy and excited for the Christmas period but I cannot feel the same. What little optimism I get is taken away soon after. I have plenty of friends but this is not enough. I snap at my family because of my low mood. I just want to be left alone which is ironic considering how depressed this loneliness makes me feel. I just want a relationship but every time I meet a girl who likes me to begin with, she ends up making excuses and ending things when she gets to know me more. I'm always getting compliments for being good looking and physically attractive but my personality is dark and unattractive. This is a result of years of emotional pain and hurt. I don't like being this way and wish I can just snap out of it. I've been on anti-depressants for nearly 2 years now but even an increase in dosage has done nothing to improve my mood. I'm just trapped in the same vicious circle.
I get drunk whenever possible because it numbs my emotions and makes me more hopeful for the future. But when I can't afford booze, I just spend hours wasting away with no motivation to do anything useful. People tell me to join a gym and do exercise but I can't motivate myself. I listen to the same songs on repeat for hours just to pass the time and get me closer to night when I can go to sleep again. Some days I feel like I just want to sleep forever. I've always believed in God and turned to Christianity and church last year to help me but now I feel like God has abandoned me so my faith has pretty much gone. All that is left is complete and total nihilism. What is the point in doing anything? End result is the same for everyone.
I feel some solace typing this out and it makes me feel slightly better. I always feel the worst this time of the year. Maybe it's Seasonal Affective Disorder? I do feel better every New Year but is this just an illusion? Come next winter, I'll probably be back in the same boat.
I get drunk whenever possible because it numbs my emotions and makes me more hopeful for the future. But when I can't afford booze, I just spend hours wasting away with no motivation to do anything useful. People tell me to join a gym and do exercise but I can't motivate myself. I listen to the same songs on repeat for hours just to pass the time and get me closer to night when I can go to sleep again. Some days I feel like I just want to sleep forever. I've always believed in God and turned to Christianity and church last year to help me but now I feel like God has abandoned me so my faith has pretty much gone. All that is left is complete and total nihilism. What is the point in doing anything? End result is the same for everyone.
I feel some solace typing this out and it makes me feel slightly better. I always feel the worst this time of the year. Maybe it's Seasonal Affective Disorder? I do feel better every New Year but is this just an illusion? Come next winter, I'll probably be back in the same boat.
