I Hide My Depression From Everyone Who Knows Me
I am sitting here under this tree in the above photo. I was driving back roads and just needed a moment for me.
This tree whom I shall forever call Augustus, seemed to beckon me to park and rest my brain for a moment, even tho I am late for my next appointment.
My life has been exciting. I have had many experiences that have shaped the man I am today. Many good ones. Many bad ones. I have not left much on the table.
I have conquered the sky as an aviator, I have conquered the sea as a diver. I conquered my fear of heights as a mountaineer. I've closed business deals where success and failure of a company were on the line.
I realized today however, that I have yet to conquer my irrational fear of being unintelligent. My entire life I have tried to feed this fear with success. Not material success. I could care less about material things. But I chased military, business and adventure success in a futile effort to myself prove that I am not a stupid person.
I do not expect you to understand. My post today is just a step for me. The first one in confronting my fear of suddenly realizing that I was right. That I am an unintelligent person.
I do not know why this matters so much or why this is such a huge issue in my life. Ironically I have no feelings either way about the intelligence of others.
I recently took another IQ test. It took a long time and when I was done I read the results. I paid a lot of money for these results.
Now the report came back with a number that kinda shocked me. One that anyone would be happy about. Instead, it just depressed me. Most people would be running around showing their friends. But me. I was just depressed. As if I felt the result could not be true. Despite this being one of many such red silts in my lifetime.
I suppose somewhere, through a maze in my mind, sits a box. A box locked with some memory or fear that I can't consciously recall. That causes me from deep inside... To not like me very much.
I have always hidden this fear of unintelligence. So posting here is terrifying. Even for a former tough guy Drill Instructor.
So thank you Augustus. For inviting me into your shade. You are a fine tree indeed.
This tree whom I shall forever call Augustus, seemed to beckon me to park and rest my brain for a moment, even tho I am late for my next appointment.
My life has been exciting. I have had many experiences that have shaped the man I am today. Many good ones. Many bad ones. I have not left much on the table.
I have conquered the sky as an aviator, I have conquered the sea as a diver. I conquered my fear of heights as a mountaineer. I've closed business deals where success and failure of a company were on the line.
I realized today however, that I have yet to conquer my irrational fear of being unintelligent. My entire life I have tried to feed this fear with success. Not material success. I could care less about material things. But I chased military, business and adventure success in a futile effort to myself prove that I am not a stupid person.
I do not expect you to understand. My post today is just a step for me. The first one in confronting my fear of suddenly realizing that I was right. That I am an unintelligent person.
I do not know why this matters so much or why this is such a huge issue in my life. Ironically I have no feelings either way about the intelligence of others.
I recently took another IQ test. It took a long time and when I was done I read the results. I paid a lot of money for these results.
Now the report came back with a number that kinda shocked me. One that anyone would be happy about. Instead, it just depressed me. Most people would be running around showing their friends. But me. I was just depressed. As if I felt the result could not be true. Despite this being one of many such red silts in my lifetime.
I suppose somewhere, through a maze in my mind, sits a box. A box locked with some memory or fear that I can't consciously recall. That causes me from deep inside... To not like me very much.
I have always hidden this fear of unintelligence. So posting here is terrifying. Even for a former tough guy Drill Instructor.
So thank you Augustus. For inviting me into your shade. You are a fine tree indeed.
51-55, M
