I Hide My Depression From Everyone Who Knows Me

I am sitting here under this tree in the above photo. I was driving back roads and just needed a moment for me.

This tree whom I shall forever call Augustus, seemed to beckon me to park and rest my brain for a moment, even tho I am late for my next appointment.

My life has been exciting. I have had many experiences that have shaped the man I am today. Many good ones. Many bad ones. I have not left much on the table.

I have conquered the sky as an aviator, I have conquered the sea as a diver. I conquered my fear of heights as a mountaineer. I've closed business deals where success and failure of a company were on the line.

I realized today however, that I have yet to conquer my irrational fear of being unintelligent. My entire life I have tried to feed this fear with success. Not material success. I could care less about material things. But I chased military, business and adventure success in a futile effort to myself prove that I am not a stupid person.

I do not expect you to understand. My post today is just a step for me. The first one in confronting my fear of suddenly realizing that I was right. That I am an unintelligent person.

I do not know why this matters so much or why this is such a huge issue in my life. Ironically I have no feelings either way about the intelligence of others.

I recently took another IQ test. It took a long time and when I was done I read the results. I paid a lot of money for these results.

Now the report came back with a number that kinda shocked me. One that anyone would be happy about. Instead, it just depressed me. Most people would be running around showing their friends. But me. I was just depressed. As if I felt the result could not be true. Despite this being one of many such red silts in my lifetime.

I suppose somewhere, through a maze in my mind, sits a box. A box locked with some memory or fear that I can't consciously recall. That causes me from deep inside... To not like me very much.

I have always hidden this fear of unintelligence. So posting here is terrifying. Even for a former tough guy Drill Instructor.

So thank you Augustus. For inviting me into your shade. You are a fine tree indeed.

JoannaBe

I can relate. My dad had a bad temper when I was growing up, and sometimes he would call me an idiot, and sometimes I'd believe him deep down, despite all the good grades I got in school and everything. While I struggle with low self esteem at times, there are other times when I struggle with being an intellectual snob, feeling superior and proud, and sometimes I think it is a defense, sort of going the other way because if I am intellectually superior I cannot be an in idiot, right? Although deep down I suspect that those are the times when I am more of an idiot than ever. There are times when I need others to praise me before i acknowledge my self worth. Other times when I read something I wrote over and over again, because I think it is so well written - silly me. So I can relate. And it takes effort to admit that I am neither an idiot nor a genius, and to accept self as I am, warts and all (not literal warts).

erayn

I can understand this though no matter how many times anyone praises me, I cannot believe it. my mom told me I was stupid and would always need someone to take care of me because I could never handle it on my own (ha btw bitch was right. but not to do with my brain). but the rest of the time, in front of everyone else to brag to, I was this special child genius thing. if I could just meet myself in the middle somehow..