I Hide My Depression From Everyone Who Knows Me

I am sitting here under this tree in the above photo. I was driving back roads and just needed a moment for me.

This tree whom I shall forever call Augustus, seemed to beckon me to park and rest my brain for a moment, even tho I am late for my next appointment.

My life has been exciting. I have had many experiences that have shaped the man I am today. Many good ones. Many bad ones. I have not left much on the table.

I have conquered the sky as an aviator, I have conquered the sea as a diver. I conquered my fear of heights as a mountaineer. I've closed business deals where success and failure of a company were on the line.

I realized today however, that I have yet to conquer my irrational fear of being unintelligent. My entire life I have tried to feed this fear with success. Not material success. I could care less about material things. But I chased military, business and adventure success in a futile effort to myself prove that I am not a stupid person.

I do not expect you to understand. My post today is just a step for me. The first one in confronting my fear of suddenly realizing that I was right. That I am an unintelligent person.

I do not know why this matters so much or why this is such a huge issue in my life. Ironically I have no feelings either way about the intelligence of others.

I recently took another IQ test. It took a long time and when I was done I read the results. I paid a lot of money for these results.

Now the report came back with a number that kinda shocked me. One that anyone would be happy about. Instead, it just depressed me. Most people would be running around showing their friends. But me. I was just depressed. As if I felt the result could not be true. Despite this being one of many such red silts in my lifetime.

I suppose somewhere, through a maze in my mind, sits a box. A box locked with some memory or fear that I can't consciously recall. That causes me from deep inside... To not like me very much.

I have always hidden this fear of unintelligence. So posting here is terrifying. Even for a former tough guy Drill Instructor.

So thank you Augustus. For inviting me into your shade. You are a fine tree indeed.

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TheSkyISee

I read all of this, and thought it over, considered it some more, and then I decided to speak up and tell you exactly what I think on this whole situation. I don't know you personally, but from what I have seen of your posts on this site. What I can gather collectively from your comments, reflections, musings, humor, and all the other many shades of you that makes up the kaleidoscope of your personality...I can most definately say with absolute certainty that you are NOT stupid. I repeat: you are not stupid. Soak it up, let that settle in, because it is the absolute truth. I personally would not place my entire value, worth and self esteem in the hands of some results of an "IQ test" that only focuses on certain aspects of the human problem solving and mathematical skills. Nor would I listen to, or entertain those nasty little whispers of self-doubt that say you are not this, not that, or not- not -not infinity. Slap them to the kerb. Quash them. All humans have these doubts, it is only natural... but you cannot listen to those negative doubts...they are just nasty little psychological 'gollums' that are trying to steal your 'ring' (aka your happiness and self worth). Instead, I firmly believe that humans have many aspects of intelligence, not limited to scientific and mathematical based IQ ( we are not machines, after all) but instead an emotional and creative intelligence is something far different and near impossible to measure, let alone formulate a 'test' to measure such. I know plenty of highly creative and intelligent people who sucked at maths/science at school but are GENIUS at whatever creative pursuits they follow now. Things that some " high IQ" wizard would never in a million years be capable of thinking up, let alone putting together ( no offence to mathematical geniuses and science nerds- I do admire what you do, even if I am not capable of undertaking it in an articulated way, myself. I simply mean to make an generalised example here. ) So do not let abstract theories of 'IQ tests' define who you are and allow you to accept a verdict or sentence of your 'officially measured IQ' ...because I think it is baloney, so to speak. You are, as a human, a living entity, a brave, smart, creative, curious mind that has a depth that is unlimited in its capability and possibilities. You are light and dark, up and down, backwards, forwards, sideways and upside down, and everything in between...and you are perfect. You are sure as heck not stupid. For if you were, you would be a 'sheep' sitting in a corner of the world somewhere somewhere, happily accepting a less-than-acceptible life, asking no questions, and thinking nothing, searching for nothing and complacently happy with the merest base line. I think you know the type of sheep I mean. And you are not, my dear, a sheep. Rise above these dark thoughts, tell them to get stuffed. Because it is not your truth. Your truth is: you are smart, capable, brave, accomplished and life is wonderful. Also: Hugs to your tree...trees are awesome. Augustus sounds like a good friend. Quiet, a good listener, a peaceful form of life and someone who takes you as you are. I like trees too. I find them peaceful and wise, with an absolute calm emanating from them, that quietens and soothes and still my soul in the most turbulent of times. Shake it off, and keep going, my friend. You are on a path of enlightenment, and this is merely a hiccup along the way. Feed the light, not the darkness. Lift yourself up. Shine. You deserve nothing less than spiritual empowerment. :)